Worried about packing on that winter weight? Looking to ward off the Freshman Fifteen? Tired of your preceptor calling you Fatty McLovehandles? Whatever your reason, you want to get shredded. But who has the time? Now YOU do, thanks to these 5 secrets that Buddhist Monks have been using to get ripped quickly for thousands of years.
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No warming up
You don’t want to wean your long-idle muscles back into physical activity; this is counter-productive. The initial shock to your body of doing strenuous activity for the first time in months while yelling, “I’M BACK, BITCHES,” will get you the results you want, FAST.
Do bicep curls, lots of them
When you arrive at the gym, don’t even think about hitting the pull-up bar or squat rack. These exercises just don’t work. It’s simple science. Instead, head straight downstairs to the dumbbells, grab the heaviest weights you can hold, and start doing bicep curls. While doing curls, it is vitally important to focus on your form. Make sure you flail out your elbows, arch your back, and pull up with your shoulder. Using this proper technique, you will hit all of these muscles AND your biceps simultaneously, doing only ONE exercise. There’s a reason they call bicep curls “the perfect exercise.”
Alternate with crunches
After bicep curls, hit the deck and do a set of crunches. Place both hands behind your head and use them to push your chin towards your chest. At the point where you can strain your neck no further, release your hands allow your head to crash back to the floor. That’s 1 rep. Do this 25 times and you’ll really start to feel the burn in your abs. Now, stand back up and do another set of curls. Repeat this process 3 times and you’re done! Yes, really! That’s all you need to get HUGE.
Take days off
Your body needs rest. Without it your muscles will wear down and you won’t get the results you want. Remember to take days off! Only hit the gym once or twice a month and take it easy in between. You don’t want to strain yourself.
Of course, a vital part of any healthy lifestyle is your diet. For this program, you’ll be following a simple, all natural diet called S.W.O.L.E. — Steak, Whey protein, Onion rings, Liquor, and Even more protein. The key to success is to eat at least twice your body weight in protein every day, so don’t be afraid to order those cheesesteaks from the dining hall grill. Your taste buds want it and your body needs it. Win-win! You’ll also want to invest heavily in protein powder. Make sure to take a double scoop at every meal with water, milk, or soda. You can also snort the powder off of a credit card, female body or book from Ivy’s library. Finally, it’s important not to change your lifestyle too radically, or you won’t stick to the program. That’s why you need to keep eating fried foods during the week and blacking out on weekends. It’ll keep you happy and motivated!
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Follow these secrets and you’ll start to see results right away. Within weeks, that cute girl you’ve been eyeing in precept will want to eat a five-course meal off of your delectable abs. Fatty McLovehandles? No more. Now you’ll be Muscles McGee. Trainers will hate you, ladies will love you, and female trainers will adopt a stance of utter ambivalence towards you! Go get ‘em, tiger!
– EJK ’17. Illustrated by KX ’16.