An Open Letter to the Squirrel On Elm Drive (You Know Who You Are)


Dear Squirrel,

You probably don’t remember me, considering that you were too busy being a dick. I tried to get by you on the street, but no. You were too busy turning an acorn around in your weird little skeletal paws. Not even eating it or intending to bury it. Just spinning it. That is the squirrel equivalent of texting while walking to avoid looking socially awkward. You didn’t even have the common goddamn courtesy to look me in the eye while you screwed me over. I have places to be, unlike you, you self-indulgent furry piece of shit. In the nicest way possible, I would like to say that you deserve to die.

It’s not just your douchey habits or general space occupation that pissed me off though. You’re ugly too. All you do is sit on your ass in the middle of the road all day. If you have that much free time on your greasy paws, you could at least have the common courtesy to take a bath or do whatever the hell it is you things do to clean your filthy asses. I have seen sewer rats with better personal hygiene. You looked like something that I pulled out of my shower drain this morning. Wait, I take that back. At least whatever that was didn’t have eyes (I think) or make me feel physically ill. You look like you wanted to get rabies but it recoiled from you in disgust. I would almost feel bad for your absolutely revolting existence if not for the sneaking suspicion that you were somehow directly responsible for starting the Bubonic Plague.

Worse than your generally irritating presence and Hunchback-of-Notre-Dame-level ugliness, however, was your personality. You are one of the top twenty most pompous, shitheaded rodents I have ever met. Let me explain this in words your dismally tiny brain can understand. Normally, small animals get eaten by big animals unless the small animals run away. So when I did you the courtesy of not devouring you whole, you failed to at least feign terror out of politeness. You could have at least moved a few inches or given me a wary glance, but I guess you were preoccupied with being a complete asshole. Goddammit I wanted to eat you so much right then. I’m bigger than you. I’m higher on the food chain. I respect your right to exist but if you just sit there with your stupid nut like a complete idiot I deserve to rip your head off and throw it at your family. Just because you’re at an Ivy League school does not mean you deserve to be an arrogant prick.


A man with places to be, you asshole

– MG ’16

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