In early November, College Humor released a video threatening straight men with the worst plight imaginable. Unless straight dudes started opening their minds to the concept of gay marriage, gay men would marry their girlfriends. The video laid out all the basics – gay men know how to cook, gay men appreciate culture, gay men will spend hours talking about feelings with neurotic women just to land on the insight, “Sandra is being a bitch.” This seemingly foolproof plan backfired on Thanksgiving weekend, when straight men shot back their retort: “OH MY GOD. Please. Do that.”
A smattering of America’s finest straight men (except, not really) at Scotch Tape Productions responded enthusiastically to their gay counterparts’ threats. As one of the actors in the video so eloquently puts it, “You guys really would be doing us a huge solid.” He then lifts a beer, because straight men drink those. The guys unanimously agree that rather than live another day with their nagging, emotional girlfriends, they’d forfeit said girlfriends to gay men so they can finally get back to watching that football game. Seems a reasonable trade, right? What’s a girl to do?
Well, rather than serve as a pawn in this ego-driven Battle of the Sexualities, I think I’ll haul my nagging ass out for tequila shots and random, uncomplicated sex, because hey, I don’t want to marry any of you people.
First, let’s take a look at the fine specimens of heterosexuality Scotch Tape Productions has given us to mull over. Dirty-looking white guy standing over a grill? We’re talking to you. Your mix of flannel and apron is neither aesthetically pleasing nor oozing sex appeal. And let’s face it, you’re probably going to burn the shit out of those steaks and end up ordering Domino’s anyway. Faux-hawked man in an awkwardly tight henley knocking back a beer? You’re alone at an empty bar in the middle of the day. Get a job. To the dude sitting on a finely-upholstered chair in the middle of the woods wearing a J.Crew suit and skinny tie – sweetheart, the point is to look straight. Finally, a meerkat-faced man in a red hoodie has draped a towel over his shoulder in hopes that we’ll think he’s athletic. Firstly, you have a meerkat face. Secondly, shut up.
Present straight females with this smorgasbord of masculine insecurity and somehow we’re expected to swoon? Doubtful.
At one point in the video, the straight men smugly state, “There’s no way in hell we’re going to take them to a Broadway show. And for damn good reason. If we did, our girlfriends would immediately start picking out wedding dresses, farting in front of us, and naming our unborn children.” The concept of being nice to one’s girlfriend is absolutely abhorrent to these men, simply because if they were, their girlfriends would naturally have weddingasms and start vomiting Pinterest and floral arrangements. This might come as a surprise to some, but women actually have plenty of reasons not to want to get married.
1) Sex with the same person. Forever.
Do you know how many positions are in the Kama Sutra? 64. Do you know how many days there are in a year? 365. Do you know how many years are in the rest of your life? A LOT. Walking down the aisle is akin to staring down a future of half-hearted missionary sex with your shirt still on. I dare any woman to consider that fact during her I do’s and not burst into tears. Can’t be done.
I want all the female readers to imagine a melon. Cantaloupe, honeydew, you name it. Now imagine that melon is a screaming, crying, wriggly mess, and oh wait you’re PUSHING IT OUT OF YOUR VAGINA.
Sound appealing to anyone here? No? Didn’t think so.
Saying you’re looking forward to childbirth is like saying you’re looking forward to pushing a melon out of your vagina. I honestly can’t think of a more painful example with which to compare childbirth. And then after all that’s done, you get to take home a pink, slimy creature which you must bathe, feed, and comfort, but won’t speak to you for over a year. Oh yeah, I’m psyched.
3) Sharing stuff
Marriage is all about sharing – sharing a bed, sharing a name, sharing essential closet space. Everything you once kept separate now becomes fair game. Those fries on your plate are up for grabs, your favorite spot on the couch is suddenly commandeered. Let’s put it this way – if I didn’t enjoy sharing my bathroom with my brother growing up, I’m sure as hell not going to enjoy sharing it with a grown man who hasn’t cleaned a toilet since he was forced to while pledging his fraternity. Thanks, but I’m all set.
4) The loss of all mystery
Remember those days in the beginning of a relationship when you’d be afraid to let your boyfriend hear you pee? Yeah, toss that charming shyness out the window because you’re about to lay all sorts of bodily functions out on the table. Living separately is a sanctuary for men and women. Girls can pass gas at whatever volume they please without being judged, and boys can go weeks wearing the same ketchup-stained sweatpants without anyone noticing. So naturally the logical thing to do is to marry these people, put them in one house, and force them to suffer the embarrassment of revealing all their gross daily habits to each other. If we didn’t know better, we would think that sounded like a reality show. But no, it’s just the age-old institution of marriage putting “Teen Mom” and “The Jersey Shore” to shame.
5) Odds of divorce are 50/50
Because the only thing scarier than one marriage is – you guessed it – two marriages.
Straight guys, you really shouldn’t assume that all eligible bachelorettes want to “marry the crap out of you.” When a woman agrees to get married, she is giving up a life of sexual variety, sleeping in the middle of the bed, and making it through an entire episode of “White Collar” without your inevitable complaints. Show the lady a little respect.
And to our fabulous gay friends: while your offers to make us quiche and take us dancing are sorely tempting, your intention to use women as a bartering tool with which to gain marriage equality hearkens back to a time when women were traded between tribes like candy in a middle school lunchroom. We thought you were better than that.
So, gentlemen: as you volley us girlfriends back and forth in this game of homo/hetero tennis, consider the possibility that we’re too busy living our fucking lives to think about getting married. In the future, please leave us out of your quest for affirmation through self-congratulatory videos.
– AW ’14