Decline in Science and Engineering Majors Due to Math Being Hard

This May, colleges across the country have reported a continuing decline in the number of science and engineering majors graduating. A recent study by a few of the few remaining scientists has shown that this trend has been caused by the fact that math is, in fact, kinda hard.

The study, led by Jamie Chen of Memorial Sloan-Kettering Cancer Center, surveyed twelve students at Rhode Island School of Design, in Rhode Island, and found a perfect correlation between students who were not science or engineering majors and students who thought math was hard.[1]

The evidence seems to be incredibly conclusive for the causal relationship between math being hard and people not wanting to do it. “If I learned anything in statistics back in college, it was that correlation always implies causation,” said Chen, “either that or it doesn’t. I’m not entirely sure – statistics was hard.”

Such a study has incredible real world implications for ongoing research into making math less hard, and may even some day lead to a cure for math being hard. Unfortunately the study has also had some negative consequences. Having realized that others avoid science due to difficulty, scientists nationwide have now become at least twice as arrogant as they already were. “Well already we had big words nobody gets now obviously since nobody else can math ‘cause it so hard we then are like more better now than them are yeah,” said an anonymous scientist desperately avoiding eye contact, “anybody can language or talk people you know but not math like us. Hence better ‘cause math now too! Pachyderm!” This recent ego boost has led to scientists suddenly passing movie stars in GDL[2] and coming dangerously close to professional athletes. Fortunately, they still remain far from the top position currently shared by both male models and Donald Trump.

Leaders nationwide are now encouraging further research into the declining number of scientists and engineers. “I myself would like to see some research about all the Asians being good at science,” said Senator Mitch McConnell, “Maybe them being allowed in the country is as bad for our nation’s growth. Maybe as bad as math being hard. Maybe we should send them all back to their own damn countries.”

There has, however, been some debate over how accurate the results of the study were. In fact, some competing theories have been raised, including the theory that people are doing less science because they’d rather have sex instead. “We’ve begun to realize that science and math are kind of really nerdy,” said ex-chemistry major and aspiring NASCAR driver Kent Witherspoon, “and nerdy guys don’t ever get laid. Racecar drivers though… those guys get mad p***y.” Some have even speculated that the growing number of women in science has contributed to the overall decline. “Now that women can do science, why do we have to anymore?” said some random guy I talked to on the street, “Can’t we just make them do that instead of like laundry and babies and shit?”

Several mathematicians or statisticians or something were interviewed about the reliability of the study. They seemed to regard it as “entirely inconsequential nonsensical drivel,” “complete poppycock,” and “comprehensively negligible in the eyes of those who deem themselves of intellect superior to a more obtuse rodent.” Since these and the rest of their statements were completely incomprehensible, they have been disregarded, and there seems to be no evidence that the reliability of the study should be questioned whatsoever.

-Alex Judge ’14

[1] 12 for 12 on both

[2] Or Gross Doucheyness Level

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