Princeton Defeats Harvard in Animal Abuse Match

In addition to football’s three-point victory over Columbia last week, Princeton managed to eke out another win against arch-rival Harvard in the annual Ivy League animal abuse tournament. The Tigers defeated the Crimson by just a single violation of the natural laws governing the interactions between species.

“It was neck and neck for a while there,” said Dr. John Pippen of the USDA’s Animal and Plant Health Inspection Service. “We’d find some malnourished pigs at Harvard and they would look like the clear victors, but then we’d find out Princeton had deprived chimps of water. I don’t think any of us was sure who was going to win.”

It was not until just before the report was set to be released that the Tigers finally emerged victorious. Princeton and Harvard were tied at 48 violations a piece as inspectors were leaving Princeton’s Friend Center for Engineering and Animal Cruelty. That’s when Princeton researcher and rookie phenom Brian Welsh ’15 put the team on his back.

“I saw them leaving,” said Welsh, who hopes to pursue a degree in Chemical Engineering with a certificate in Fish Poisoning. “And I knew this was our last shot to take down those [fellow research]ers at Harvard.”

And take them down he did. Welsh grabbed a nearby stapler and began attempting to staple a nearby marmoset to the floor. “He never actually got it,” said inspectors. “In fact, the marmoset came out on top, but his intent was clear. It was a textbook case of Mammal Stapling, and it was enough to push Princeton over the edge.”

When asked to comment on how Harvard’s undergrads were taking the loss, Harvard President Drew Gilpin Faust said, “Undergrads?”

Overall this season, Princeton is tied with Yale for Second Most Abusive in the Ivy League. The tie will be broken by a bald eagle-shooting competition between the two schools to be held next Saturday in a national park to be named later.

Penn is this year’s champion with 120 animal abuse violations, which I think we can all agree is just sick.

SBW ’15

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