Ohio State Tattoo-Gate Violators Sentenced to Death

Columbus, OH — The five Ohio State players caught trading their own personal possessions for tattoos have been sentenced to the death penalty. The affected players include 2010 leading rusher Dan Herron, number one receiver DeVier Posey, All-Big Ten offensive tackle Mike Adams, defensive end Solomon Thomas, and former quarterback Terrelle Pryor. Pryor, now with the NFL’s Oakland Raiders, has appealed his death sentence.

“This was a necessary measure to maintain the integrity of the NCAA,” said Britton Banowsky, chair of the NCAA Committee on Infractions, “A minor knickknack violation such as this coming from a school as hated as Ohio State cannot be taken lightly. We felt we needed to punish these players to the full extent of our ability. Otherwise, SEC fans would get mad.”

The university will also receive sanctions as a result of its coach, Jim Tressel, failing to notify the university of the players’ violations. Ohio State will lose all of its scholarships for all sports, will vacate every win it has ever had, and will no longer be an accredited institution of higher learning.

The major Ohio State personal possessions-for tattoos scandle has overshadowed some more menial violations in college sports. The University of Miami was recently caught giving its football and basketball players prostitutes and giving those prostitutes abortions, and players were reportedly given up to $50,000 to attend the school and were awarded “bounties for injuring opposing players.” Violators on the football team are being awarded 1 game suspensions, and the school will have to stop paying its players, Banowsky said. The 1 game suspensions allow the Miami players to return to action against Ohio State on September 17th.

MFG ‘14



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