Breaking News: D.C. Earthquake Leaves Millions With Homes, Jobs

WASHINGTON D.C. – Millions of people have been left with homes and livelihoods after an earthquake that experts are calling the most mildly disconcerting disaster in decades.

The event struck this afternoon at 1:50 pm, causing minute-long outages in cell phone networks as hundreds of thousands tried simultaneously to update their Facebook statuses to read, “wuz that an earthquake,” “omg earthquake,” or simply, “earthquake lol.” All along the east coast, dishes shifted positions on shelves, hanging lamps swayed imperceptibly, and office workers looked around to see who was moving moderately heavy furniture.

“I think at one point my hair was slightly ruffled,” said Denise Johnson, a New Jersey resident. She clutched her small child who has now been without food and water for minutes, largely because he was playing in the living room, tens of feet from the refrigerator.  “My best friend was just not crushed by a collapsing building,” she added.

Perhaps never before have so many people talked so much about so little, except for every time that anybody has ever talked about anything on the internet ever.

-JRV ’12

You May Also Like