Lesser Known Martial Arts

Sober Master Style: Drunken Master Style’s straight-laced sister school.

Mixed Martial Arts and Crafts: The fusion of paper mache and bone-crushing elbow strikes.

The Art of Fighting Without Fighting: Avoiding conflict through nostalgic viewings of Enter the Dragon.

Masochistic Crane: Scaring off opponents by displaying visible sexual excitement upon being struck.

Quixote’s Palm: A series of anti-windmill strikes passed down in Spain for generations.

Secret Fist: <REDACTED>

Angel Style: A flashy style revolving around three women with a surplus of makeup and dearth of talent.

Deluded Fist: The belief that watching a handful of Youtube videos and taking a month of Karate classes at a strip mall has turned one into a living weapon.

Hibernating Bear: Postponing duels to get another hour of sleep or finish and episode of Community.

Crouching Sibling: An aggressive style specializing in hair pulling and dead arms.

Pokémon Style: Fighting through proxy using captured animals.

Duplicitous Fist: The mastery of sucker punches, cheap shots, steroid use, and sand-throwing.

Blaxploitation Style: An art crafted to strike fear into the hearts of jive-ass turkeys everywhere.

Armchair General Stance: Critiquing the bouts and techniques of others with a bag of Cheetos firmly in hand.

Passive-Aggressive Dragon: Psychologically assaulting one’s opponent’s through half-hearted insistence that everything is ‘fine’.

Creeping Fist: Mastery of the three foundations of discomfort: Staring, drooling, and breathing heavily.

Mosh Pit Style: Usage of guitar solos as an excuse to bodyslam the weak at top speed.

Litigious Fist: Responding to enemy blows with devastating legal counterattacks.

The Invincible Hammer of the Gods:  A style based entirely on intimidating opponents with rumors of its power.

Dennard Dayle ’13



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