Dogg Barks up March Madness

On Friday, NCAA Spokesperson Stacy Osburn announced impromptu changes in March Madness rules this year. After signing a $9 million deal with rapper Snoop Dogg(y Dogg) just last week, it was agreed that tournament rules would be changed to ‘Street basketball rules’ to better acknowledge and appreciate the perils of playing the game in its most elemental setting: “Harlem and other downtown ghettos.” As Dogg puts it, “This isn’t the fucking croquet of London’s lawns, or the lacrosse of Pasadena’s parties. This is basketball. It’s like sellin’ hoes for me.*” Born and brought up in Long Beach, California, the rather well-heeled Calvin Cordozar Broadus, Sr. (Snoop) was clearly misinformed regarding the whereabouts of Harlem, or for that matter, the use of metaphors; but Osburn decided it was the thought that counts…$9 million in cash.

However, that decision needed some rethinking towards the final stages of the transaction. In signing the contract over some gin and juice at a Hilton continental breakfast, Dogg mentioned he wanted the court decked with Snoop merchandise: “I’m talking Snoop balls, Snoop goals, Snoop goal posts, Snoop quaffles…whatever- I want my 9 mil’s worth. And just remember, I’m doing this for the kids, to acknowledge the rough times they, and I, have had to endure. Write that on the balls.” After this humble request, Snoop gently balanced his breakfast knife on his middle finger and peered into the eyes of the spokeswoman. Meanwhile, Osburn couldn’t help but express skepticism at his ostensible ignorance regarding the game itself. Snoop kindly told her to “drop [the matter] like it’s hot.”

The decision to change the rules of the game will have a serious impact on NCAA bracketology this year, and already, fans have rioted in the streets about not being fairly informed when drawing up their predictions. In support of his own region, for example, Dogg has insisted all West Coast teams end up in the Final round. Apart from how the bracket would look, Osburn was left scratching her head as to how the Final Four could comprise so many teams. Dogg waved that question away with his doo rag, and further stated the pre-decided winner this year in the West Coast finish: Hampton University. Grinning like Cheshire cats, the 16th-seeded team was, of course, elated at the suggestion (mandate). In an Oovoo interview later, Dogg sat back in his rolly chair situated in a sketchy alley way, smoking a hookah, with his Malice in Wonderland album playing in the background. We asked, “Why Hampton? Is it because they’re the…UNDER-DOGG??”

“Nah, fool…cuz I got a place in the Hamptons; basically… it’s like sellin’ hoes for me.”

Fans around the country are waiting anxiously to see what comes of the game- and when Osburn’s dead body will be found for failure to comply with the contract. Though she can satisfy some demands such as his lewd “Doggy-Style” album in the last ten minutes of the game, she is anxious about all of Dogg’s ‘implied’ sub-points. Apparently, Dogg said there were some parts not written or said explicitly in the contract (much like the Constitution), but were still part of it- and that she would be notified of them via bullet if she didn’t comply. What compelled Osbourn to accept such amorphous terms?

“I just took after basketball legend LeBron… blindly following the money.”

Ironically enough, Dogg has the same outlook on life. Quite satisfied with the agreement, he looks forward to taking his own jello shots while Hampton takes their foul ones.

At the end of our interview with him, we asked what it’s like inspiring so many children around the world with his philanthropic contributions to basketball.

His touching six-word reply summed it up beautifully: “It’s like sellin’ hoes for me.”


*FACT: He made a similar analogy in 2003 as a professional pimp: “It was like shootin’ layups for me. I was makin’ em every time.” The Client #9 of his own day, and founder of basketball, John Naismith would be proud…or in this case, Ego-Trippin.

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