Dear Mr. Assange:
I’m a 3rd grader from Buffalo, New York and I’m your biggest fan. Your website, Wikileaks, has published so many government secrets, it has made diplomatic relations like that scene in Mean Girls where everyone found out about the burn book.
To help support your cause, I have decided to give you some highly classified material: the diary of Ms. Andrea Johnson.
As you well know, Ms. Johnson is easily the evilest soul to ever walk this planet. One time, she came back home at midnight, when Mom told her to get back by 11:30. And another time, she broke my Dad’s ship-in-a-bottle and blamed it on me. And another time, she said she was “sick” enough to skip school, but she was totally faking. She says that you can’t fake a 105 degree fever, but I know better. In fact, I’m pretty sure she doesn’t have a soul; I think she’s a stupid jerk-faced robot implanted with the sole purpose of annoying me.
Ms. Johnson is a horrible human being and it’s only right that the public gets to know all the dirt on her. With your help, the general populace will become aware of her insecurities and how she felt about that one time where she slipped and fell all over our Thanksgiving dinner and it was really funny, but probably really, really embarrassing for her.
I’ve attached her complete diary. This contains all of her most innermost thoughts, her deepest ponderings and nauseating heart-shaped doodles with initials. Disgusting.
What danger does this put me in? Mortal danger. I have attempted to extract Ms. Johnson’s diary from her room before and when I was caught, she shouted that she was gonna kill me. And that she was gonna tell Mom.
For this reason, I am only submitting this if you publish it under my initials. There’s no way she’ll be able to figure it out.
P.S. Make sure to publish her menstruation schedule, because during the right time of the month she becomes the biggest bitch, especially to her younger brother.
Written by RCLM ’13