Sometimes, life can throw you a curveball. Worse yet, life can throw a bone-crushing 98 mph fastball directly at your head. Writers generally refer to this as tragedy.
Tragedy can take the form of every parent’s worst nightmare: having a child that watches Glee. Alternatively, you might face the lesser problem of choosing which of your children to feed to the meat grinder. A variety of forces can lead to this situation; war, crime, natural disasters, supervillains, and boredom can back you into an uncomfortable corner. Someone has to distract the grizzly bear while the others run for safety, and it sure isn’t going to be you. But how does one make such a choice?
Fret not: my team of homeless scientists has discovered the six universal categories for measuring a child’s worth. With these objective methods of comparison, you can make Sophie’s choice with twice the efficiency and half the filler.
Intelligence
Nothing’s worse than finding out your surviving child is as dumb as a rock. Throwing the next Einstein to the wolves to save the new generation’s Soulja Boy is a bitter pill to swallow. Luckily, an ounce of prevention can prevent a pound of failure. Simply save the smarter youth.
You may be tempted to resort to comparing IQ tests or academics, but these methods fail to take into account the essential role of pop culture trivia. That’s where trivial pursuit comes in. Only a daughter capable of summoning obscure facts about Danny Trejo’s career is worthy of living on in your name. It also makes for a fun evening: you’ll never see your kids play the game with more vigor than when their lives are at stake.
Phrenology is also acceptable, but results may vary.
Beauty
It’s a shallow world, and if our traffic data are any reliable, you were brought here in search of “blazing hot co-eds xxx”. Pseudo-scientific research has proven beyond a shadow of a thinly-researched doubt that the physically attractive receive better pay, better treatment, and secret invitations to a yearly global “8 and up” orgy. The benefits are clear.
With all this in mind, is there truly any point to raising offspring without a chance of appearing on the cover of People magazine? I think not, particularly when one considers the expense of plastic surgery, or the massive time-sink of constantly undermining the lesser child’s self-esteem to prepare them for the outside world. If your son has a face only you could love, save yourself the hassle by using him as bait for the lunatic with a chainsaw.
Obedience
Parenting is hard. Dealing with a son that doesn’t say “how high” when you say “jump” only makes it more difficult. Thus, a madman dangling your twins over matching pits of acid is the perfect opportunity to dispose of your problem child.
Arrange a four-stage series of tests. The first challenge should consist of sitting through the entirety of the 2002 thriller Ballistic: Ecks vs. Sever. In the next trial, have your children smuggle a cargo plane full of “snow” into Chinese territory. Add some levity to the third by forcing them to compete in the timeless pastime of “machete juggling”. The final challenge should consist of pitting them against each other in a cage match in Tijuana. This robs your tormentor of the pleasure of finishing the loser off.
Height
My memories of Invader Zim tell me this is of utmost importance. You don’t need more than your eyes and a tape measure to gauge this one, making it a fine choice for the parent on-the-go.
Fortune
The situation itself confirms that your children have shit luck, but that shouldn’t stop you from saving the one that passed one fewer black cat. After all, you’ll need someone to carry your casino chips in your twilight years.
Russian Roulette is a simple, hassle free method of comparing luck. The game is a tried and true method of testing fortune and one’s suicidal urges, and has separated invincible action movie protagonists from the protagonists of deconstructionist satires and art films for decades. Can we doubt the wisdom of an industry that brought us Commando? I think not.
The glory of this method is that it can’t be wrong. By the mere act of survival, your choice becomes the luckier of the pair. This will be of little comfort to him/her as survivor’s guilt drives years of therapy and alcoholism, but your conscience should be clear.
-Dennard Dayle