Asset Management After the Apocalypse

Now everybody just calm down. I said calm down! Just because we’re living in the end times doesn’t mean that it’s okay to panic.

I know what you’re thinking: I’ve grabbed all of the gold out of my house, but how will I restore the necessary liquidity to my valuable assets after the journey through this fiery hellscape? It’s simple:

Now just hang with me for a second here. I’m assuming from your shocked expression that you have not heard of the incredible service that is In fact, I would even wager you don’t know that gold is now at an all-time high.  But yes, it’s the truth — gold keeps its value. It’s rock solid, unlike cash.

Woman with the baby: Shut the hell up. No one is going anywhere, not on my watch. Much like the value of your nest egg — that’s not going anywhere either, when you invest in gold. Except up, it might go up, as people fall back on historically reliable investments.

Come now, there’s no need to get hysterical. Yes, I was just stabbed by a manticore tusk, and yes, that was quite painful, but not nearly as painful as watching your life savings disappear as a result of a tanking economy. will even buy your jewelry at very generous rates. And when you sell back now, you could earn an extra $100 cash bonus above and beyond the value of your assets, just for using

Now excuse me while I bleed out.

-JRV ’12

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