Andy Samberg: Drowned after a shipwreck. Last words: “Never let go” (spoken to T-Pain). Samberg’s body was found 8 miles from the wreckage on the shore of Lonely Island. Autopsy also revealed he had contracted multiple STDs from, evidence suggests, a mermaid.
Jack Bauer: Shot and killed by a disgruntled film critic. The critic was later discovered to be a mole, and then later to be a double spy only pretending to be a mole, and then again to be a mole. Later, it was discovered that the critic was just a critic, and not any of those things.
Bill Gates: Slain during a late-night gang shootout in South Central Los Angeles. Gates, a lifelong member of the Piru faction of the Bloods gang, was attacked outside a liquor store by a group of Crips. Gates was found dead on arrival with his glasses broken, his Hanes underwear pulled up over the back of his head, and the phrase “Microbitch” carved across his chest. Autopsy also revealed that Gates likely suffered multiple noogies during the attack.
Lebron James: Murdered on March 15th while shooting a Nike ad in Italy. James was attacked by Chris Bosh and his gang, and reportedly received 23 stab wounds. Dwayne Wade delivered the eulogy to friends, Romans, and countrymen in iambic pentameter, while James’s wife was able to offer through tears only the brief statement, “I told you so.” Reporters are still debating whether or not the murder of “King James” actually constitutes regicide.
Chris Bosh: Killed during a large gang fight between members of his posse and a gang led by Lebron James’ son, Prince James (age 7). Bosh reportedly had a very strong shooting night, going 6 for 10 in the field and 1 for 2 from long range with his .22 caliber pistol, despite his recent struggles with that particular gun.
Osama Bin Laden: Choked while eating an apple.
Hugh Hefner: Died of a stroke during intercourse. 15 minutes later, his partners realized the Hef was dead and began discussing whether or not they should stop having intercourse with him. During the conversation, rigor mortis set in, and they agreed to continue, until becoming distracted by an episode of The Girls Next Door. After two more episodes, the partners decided to call 611, then 411, then finally 911. Hefner’s body was deemed a biohazard by autopsy specialists and is currently being moved to medical labs for research.
Jimmy Carter: Died of a broken heart after being voted the worst president in U.S. history by a bipartisan group of congressmen. The vote was unanimous even after six recounts. Carter’s will leaves his possessions to be distributed evenly among the ten highest-ranking members of the Cuban government.
Eminem: Died after “pulling his dick from the dirt and fucking the whole universe.” Infection, STD’s, exhaustion…? I don’t know. He’s dead.
Barack Obama: Ceased to exist when a journalist tripped over a cord at a press conference, inadvertently shutting down the Presidential Hologram Projector. Vice President Biden will carry out the rest of the term, but many pundits are concerned about his ability to serve due to his questionable stances on the economy and the rising debate over whether or not he is actually a puppy in a man’s body.
Plaxico Burress: Never mind.
Dwayne “Lil Wayne” Carter: Did not technically die, but doctors reported that he entered a quasi-vegetative state of substance intoxication that has never before been documented. It is unlikely he will ever return to sobriety, or even to the everyday state of moderate to high intoxication to which Carter is accustomed.
George H.W. Bush: Thrown from a moving vehicle by George W. Bush.
George W. Bush: Died of blood loss after stabbing his eyes out with two American flag pendants upon realizing that the man he killed was his father and that Laura Bush is his biological mother.
Ed Reed: Eaten by Ray Lewis.
Michael Vick: While walking home from a local strip club, Vick was surrounded by a group of pit bulls who administered systematic treatments of physical and psychological torture before dowsing him in water and electrocuting him.
Jerry Seinfeld: Strangled at a writer’s convention by Mel Gibson. Seinfeld had been beaten severely and branded with several swastikas. Gibson issued an apology the next morning to TMZ.com, stating his regret for “any behaviors that were unbecoming of me during my state of inebriation” and for any harm he may have caused the Jewish community. He reiterated his animosity toward anti-Semites, stating that his actions were in no way reflective of his beliefs. Abraham Foxman, national director of the Anti-Defamation League, accepted the apology on behalf of the League and wished Gibson good luck with the filming of his upcoming movie, The Cause of All Wars.
William Clinton, Jr.: Aborted during first trimester.
Prime Minister David Cameron: Died by the Killing Curse last week after his London home was invaded by a gang of Death Eaters. Former Prime Minister Tony Blair will be flying in to Buckingham Palace to issue a statement and reaccept the position as soon as his Firebolt is repaired.