Statistics You Didn’t Want To Know About This Year’s Senior Thesis Season

It’s that time of year again, folks, when our greasy, crusty, God-forsaken friends of yesteryear finally resurface from the library and breathe air that’s not carbon monoxide exhaled from 300 year old decaying books. Yes, that’s right, Seniors, you are done with your theses. So in honor of this momentous occasion, TigerMag has compiled some quirky statistics to help you comprehend the gravity of the situation.

The results of the February – April thesis writing period:

300,000 cups of coffee drunk (totaling $900,000 of revenue at Starbucks)

35 lbs of beard (and feminine leg hair) grown

2 babies

45,000 hours of missed sleep

34 cases of carpal tunnel

100,000 books checked out of various libraries (none of which have been returned)

365 rabbits sacrificed in pagan rituals to the thesis gods

16 5 hour energy drinks foolishly injected

3 lost to the minotaur

more breakdowns and PrincetonFML posts than penises on ChatRoulette

42,042 gallons of water saved from girls not changing

20 relationships ruined

1 pact with the devil (2 with Dean Malkiel)

3 new visible cases of alcoholism

1000 liters of Axe body spray used to mask the stench of body odor

1 new blood stain on the carpet of Firestone’s inner sanctum

more games of Robot Unicorn Attack played than references correctly cited

2 hook-ups with thesis Advisors leading to 2 visible cases of alcoholism, 5 games of Robot Unicorn Attack and one certain blood stain on the carpet of Firestone

-SRS ’13

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