As President Shirley Tilghman reports, “All the signs are there. Everything is done with a sense of irony. After all, you have to have a certain je ne sais quoi to go to a school like Princeton and then bicker a club like Tiger Inn. Yale students would never ‘seriously’ wear mustaches and flannel; Princeton students would never ‘seriously’ join TI. Given the obvious irony, the fact that nobody in T.I. admits to being a hipster is pretty much a dead give away.”
However, T.I. is not Princeton’s only hotbed of hipsters. The Anscombe Society is another common gathering place for the Princeton students who ironically practice abstinence, using the tongue in cheek argument that marriage has an “a priori unitive and procreative purpose.”
When interviewed, numerous Anscombe members cited Professor Robert George as their inspiration. “His ironic opposition to gay marriage is just so clever,” an enthusiastic freshman member reports. “At other schools, students think that irony starts and ends with dressing like a lumberjack. Here at Princeton, we’re just a little bit more sophisticated.”
Forgetting to deny Anscombe’s hipster status, the student went on to add, “And let’s be honest. Most of Anscombe’s leading members are philosophy majors.”
When interviewed, reactions among non-hipster undergrads ranged from scorn to tolerance. Take “Joe” for instance. He’s the typical non-hipster Princetonian: a flannel wearing theatre major, he’s a vegetarian in Terrace. When interviewed about Princeton’s hipster scene, Joe commented “I just don’t get it. I mean, why don’t they just dress normally? After a certain point, irony just seems sort of conformist. And ironic grade deflation? I mean, I would be fine if Dean Malkiel just spent her time ironically campaigning for Republicans or going to Bible Study, but I actually want to go to grad school!”
Studies predict that, over the next 10 years, most Princeton hipsters will ironically get jobs on Wall Street, ironically marry someone they met at Princeton, and ironically have two children.