A Letter from the Robot Unicorn

The Robot Unicorn's attorney is pressing charges on over 21 million counts of first degree unicorn-slaughter.

Dear friends,

I would like to thank you all so much for helping me make my wildest fantasies come true.  Your perseverance and dedication have been nothing short of exemplary.  Every fairy you impale on my horn is a pleasure; every star you make me smash through is a blessing.

ARE YOU FUCKERS INSANE?  Do you guys get some sort of sick thrill out of it, or did you for one instant actually believe I enjoy this shit?  Do you think I like running through that rainbow-filled hellscape, leaping chasms, shattering glass stars with my face, knowing for certain that a fiery death awaits me?  OPEN YOUR EYES, MOTHERFUCKERS!

I see your eyes are open.  In that case, did you just fail to notice the stream of my tears pooling beneath my severed head after you ran me into that rock wall?  Do you think those wires were supposed to be trailing from my neck after you smashed my body to pieces on the rocks below?

What the fuck do you mean, “You were chasing my dreams?”  How does me dying 21 million times constitute “chasing dreams?”  Fuck dreams!  You bastards have me trapped in a nightmare, reliving it over and over and over– dear God, IT’S ANOTHER STAR!  PRESS ‘X’ FOR CHRISSAKE PRESS ‘X’!

How many more, I ask you!  How many more stars must I charge through, the explosions singeing my alabaster coat to ash, their crystalline shrapnel tearing at my metal endoskeleton, before you are content?  How many more butterfly fairies must I trample under steel hooves before your bloodlust is sated?

Does nothing in this picture seem wrong to you!?

If you have any mercy you will leave me in peace.  I don’t know what sin I’ve committed to deserve such torment at your fingertips, but I beg your forgiveness nonetheless.  If I cannot have your empathy, let me implore your pride: if you haven’t got more than 50,000 points by now, you suck.  Just drop it for both our sakes.

Robot Unicorn

P.S.  I can be reached at http://games.adultswim.com/robot-unicorn-attack-twitchy-online-game.html

– SL ’10

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