“We’re really sorry, man. It was a really strong year, and I spoke hard for you, but it just wasn’t to be.” Alfred Blair ’12 (name changed to protect his remaining scraps of self-esteem) had just been hosed from Colonial’s brutal first round of sign-ins. As he fell to his knees weeping, the somber group of officers disappeared into the 4am darkness on their way to hose another 117 failed excuses for sophomores.
“We’re only taking the best,” said one Colonial officer, speaking anonymously. “In past years we were like Santa Claus, going around at night spreading joy and picking up everyone who wanted to join. This year we’ve been more like the Angel of Death, and it’s been pretty badass.”
Though outsiders worry that the sign-in class of thirteen members is low, the officer was quick to dismiss the issue. “The thirteen we have chosen are the coolest, smartest, most interesting, and all-around-finest human beings 2012 had to offer. None of the other sophomores were worthy.” Colonial president David Hou ’11 was quick to add that the number thirteen was “definitely not chosen” to facilitate Colonial’s “totally not-Satanic” initiation rituals.