Panic, as Joe Biden Finds Chocolate in White House Kitchen

bidenAn alarm was raised in the White House yesterday when it was discovered that Vice President Joe Biden had ingested a large amount of baker’s chocolate which he had found while sniffing around the White House kitchen.

Though Biden was in a perilous state of health immediately after consuming the chocolate, doctors who examined the Vice President stated that Biden is expected to make a full recovery.

Biden had been at the White House for an official meeting with President Barack Obama. Due to a procedural error by the Secret Service, however, Biden was briefly left unattended, leaving enough time for him to wander downstairs and into the White House kitchen without detection.

It is not yet known how exactly the Vice President got into the chocolate. Biden aides noted, however, that the Vice President has a much keener sense of smell than the average human. When Secret Service agents finally tracked down Biden, he was lying on the kitchen floor, whimpering. The door of a kitchen cabinet lay ajar.

Chocolate is known to be toxic to Joe Biden. “It contains the chemical theobromine, which can have a deadly effect on Joe Biden’s central nervous system,” explained Dr. Barry Grant, a White House staff physician. “The problem is that once Joe Biden gets a taste of it, he just wants more and more. Eventually, he could end up consuming a lethal dose.”

This is not the first time Biden has gotten into trouble. In early August, he bit the leg of White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emmanuel, prompting a debate over whether the Vice President should be put down.

Indeed, several White House staffers noted that the chocolate debacle was only one incident in a pattern of erratic behavior exhibited by the gaffe-prone Biden. In April, the Vice President terrified a group of children gathered on the South Lawn for the annual White House Easter Egg Roll when he marked his territory on a Northern Red Oak.

Biden also incited a minor diplomatic row with Germany recently when he bounded up to German Chancellor Angela Merkel, who was visiting Washington to address Congress, and began furiously humping her leg.

Biden’s specially appointed trainer, Karen Wainwright, advises that the Vice President be allowed at least three hours of exercise a day. “Bidens are a very active breed,” she explained.

Wainwright has been a positive addition to the staff, White House personnel said, having been brought in to teach the Vice President to sit, stay, and shake hands with foreign dignitaries on command.

President Obama has not yet decided if and how he will punish Biden. Sources close to the President explained that hitting the Vice President with a rolled-up newspaper has not been as effective as originally hoped.

One thing continues to be certain, however: For now, Biden remains in the doghouse.

–N.E. ’11

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