Edward Cullen’s Letter to Santa

santa_cullen copyIn the spirit of Christmas (and a bunch of other holidays we could mention to be politically correct, but when have we ever?), Tiger has decided to do a one-part series on celebrities’ letters to Santa as our present to you. But really, come on, it’s Christmas morning, why are you reading TigerMag? (Wait. Please don’t stop. We love you!!!). Without further ado, let’s see what everyone’s favorite angsty vampire is asking Santa for this Christmas:

yo santa,

it’s like me, edward cullen, you know me right i’ve been writing to you since we used the fucking pony express.  right so i’m totes a vampireeeee and i know I’m a little old for this but I could really use some stuff for this  xmas right?

first is glitter.  bella digs that shit.  i mean, i sparkle a little naturally, but it kinda hurts my eyes to spend all that time in the sun and hey skin cancer’s like a big issue facing our society now, don’t wanna go setting a bad example anywhooo you can probs get some at like hot topic or claires, whatevs. i need it, it makes bella all like, super into me and shit.

next, i wanna fog machine like when I appear to her in her dreams, but I wanna drug her up  in real life and then like float in her room all foggy at night and be like BOOOO haha gotchaaaa vampire prankssssss.

also, i wanna shirt that when i run in it like towards bella in that scary forest it’s aerodynamic and shit and has panels that naturally flap in the wind all dramatic while my hair stays perfectly still, ‘cause like when it flaps all dramatic like i said there are signs of my pale hairy chest and that shit DRIVES BELLA CRAZZYYYY.  it’s like bella crack.  it’s like belladonna!

and lipstick. shit man, gotta have lipstick.  she likes it when my lips look like I’ve just been sucking hot sexy blood out of a manually created orifice. then she can be all like take me and i’ll be all like noooooo i am too dangerous we’re totes breaking up okbyeee.

oh shiiiitttt santa wait wait i know what i want most of all. ok so you know how there are like other dudes in the world (I know, right), but esp dudes who suck (haha SUCK I’m the one who sucks… in the best way possible… like four meanings there) and have long hair and wanna steal the belle of my ball (and she is totally of my balls, if you know what i meannn) but i wanna full moon (new moon ? shit im clever) boggart to scare the shit out of that underage tanned deliciously-abbed werewolf dude then watch him run away all scared like waaa i’m 16. wait dammit i forgot in this fictional universe full moons have almost no effect on the werewolfs, it’s all about getting angry and shit.  damn.

santa, now you have to get this present cause its not just a present for me, its a present for me AND my lover. ok well so we kind of love each other but we’re meant to live forever you know after i change her into a vampire (nbd, MLIG) but i think it would be a SUPER romantic xmas present to like, ‘accidentally’ put some apothecary’s magic potion in our bloody mary’s all romeo and juliette style and then we’ll like maybe get kinda tired and its a romantic double suicide but WAIT WE’RE UNDEAD SO WE WAKE UP but its gréât cause she knows i love her all shakespeare style (yea and get some spearing tonight ohyeahhhhhh) and she’ll be like ohhh edward you dazzleeeee me and i’ll be like “i can’t sleep” and she’ll look at me all broodingly.

then i will bleed her corpse dry.

peace,
eddie

– MG ’12

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