Welcome to the recap show of So You Think You Can Science! I’m Bill Nye — yes, the Science Guy — and I will be your host tonight. In these past four weeks our contestants have been pushed to their limits, and next week our judges will finally pick the winner. Which overachieving, neurotic ambitionwhore deserves the prize of $100,000 to start their own lab and a binding contractual obligation to sign over all resulting patents to this show’s parent company? Let’s recap our contestants:
Skyy Bushwacker: The Outdoorsy One
Bio: An ecologist who spent much of his research time in Borneo hacking his way through underbrush and contracting malaria, Skyy is the first contestant in So You Think You Can Science history to have been outside.
Challenges won: Extracting new beetle species from a five-hundred acre rainforest before the staff of So You Think You Can Science burns it all down
Rainn Gemini: The Psychic One
Bio: An astrologist accidentally accepted as this year’s astronomer due to a clerical error, Rainn has spent the majority of the competition predicting the apocalypse from star patterns.
Challenges won: Most creative use of significant figures
Becky Boils: The Ugly One
Bio: A ruthless geneticist who has fought for this her whole life, Becky is really ugly. Like, wolf-ugly.
Challenges won: Complaining about how she was the best in her lab back home, figuring out if people are adopted based on widow’s peaks and earlobe detachment
Vladimir Dostoevsky: The Russian One
Bio: A mathematician who entered theoretical physics in search of a “softer” discipline, Vladimir is in it for the chicks.
Challenges won: Staying a virgin for as long as is humanly possible, not for lack of trying
Brittney Hopkins: The Blonde One
Bio: A blonde sociologist, Brittney is constantly trying to defend her intelligence.
Challenges won: None.
Kiran Semmelhack: The Surprisingly-Normal One
Bio: An organic chemist working at a prestigious university, Kiran has always regretted his decision not to start a meth lab. It would have been much more profitable.
Challenges won: Synthesizing methylethanolamines using only hot dog buns, a butane torch, and the bathroom sink
Since you’ve been reminded of our illustrious contestants, let’s recap some of the highlights of each week so far.
Vladimir tries to sleep with Brittney, but gets rejected. Meanwhile, Skyy attempts to sabotage Kiran by introducing marmoset droppings into his separation scheme, but Kiran astutely detects the impurity and instead extracts with a can of whoop-ass. Becky is ugly.
Vladimir tries to sleep with Skyy, but gets rejected. During an especially tight time crunch, Rainn rearranges the other contestants’ Southern Blots in crop circle formation to alert the aliens of the impending apocalypse. Becky is still ugly.
Vladimir tries to sleep with the mass spectrometer, but gets rejected. Brittney tries to start a collaboration with Rainn, but he double-crosses her and tries to steal her data before realizing that sociology is not science. Becky is still ugly.
Vladimir tries to sleep with Becky, but just can’t go through with it. Kiran pipettes the shit out of some clear liquid chemical thingie while the judges fawn over his superb technique.
Now that you’ve relived the action — and reactions — that have been taking place these last few weeks, you’re ready for the season finale of So You Think You Can Science. All of your burning questions will be answered: Will Kiran succeed in isolating the organic compound? Will Brittney sleep with Skyy? Will Vladimir sleep with anything? Will Becky be able to use her crazy genetics powers to make herself less really really ugly? Find out next week on So You Think You Can Science!
—MG’12 and JRV’12 with thanks to TC’12 at Dartmouth