Movie Sequels We Wish We’d Seen

mulan_mao copyMulan 2: The Communist Years

Disney introduces more diversity into their lineup of female role models as Mulan becomes the first Communist Disney Princess. With slick, animated choreography, she travels across China sticking to the party line and instituting land reform via catchy musical numbers.  Upon reaching the rousing reprise of “I’ll Make A Magnificent Glorious Man Out Of You Who Brings Honor To China For Make Great Benefit,” Mulan kills her dragon Mushu for subscribing to Bourgeois Fantasies Weekly, then marries a hot prince. She is not remembered.

National Treasure 3: The Missing Surplus

After singlehandedly kicking the Freemasons’ asses and discovering Atlantis or something like that, historian Ben Gates runs up against his biggest challenge yet: Washington bureaucracy. In this critically acclaimed “realistic thriller,” Gates attempts to uncover the secrets behind the 350-billion dollar surplus that disappeared from the government’s budget directly following the 2000 presidential election.

Gates’ spends six months preparing paperwork to file a Freedom of Information Act only to have it denied because he misspelled his home street address. To make matters worse, he is soon indicted on federal corruption charges after offering his son as a sex slave to the directors of five separate bureaucratic offices to gain access to their files (coincidentally, three of the five departments took him up on the offer). After some quick thinking and time on his knees, Gates evades the charges and determines the information he needs can be found on page 12 of Warren Harding’s 1922 doodlepad hidden somewhere in the White House. Unfortunately, Gates is denied entrance since one has to sign up for tours of the White House two years in advance and can have no criminal indictments or convictions in the past thirty years. In a stirring final scene, Gates longingly grips the iron bars on Pennsylvania Ave. before telling the anti-war squatter to “shove an A-bomb up your ass.” Disillusioned, Gates moves to Saskatchewan, where he becomes a potato farmer and eco-terrorist.

My Breakfast with Andre

In this recently uncovered work, Andre and Wallace run into one another at Starbucks a few days after their dinner. They embrace, then proceed to sit down and talk about that evening’s riveting discussion.

“Did we really just talk for two hours straight?” asks Andre.

“Yep, I think we did,” replies Wallace.

“Really? That’s all we did? There weren’t like any explosions in the kitchen or terrorists trying to take us hostage or strippers or anything like that?”

“Nope, pretty sure we just talked.”

“And what kind of stuff were we talking about again?”

“Life and other things like that.”

“And we did this for two hours?”

“Yep.”

“Man, if that had been a film or something, that would’ve been one of the most boring things I’d ever seen. I mean, come on. Who’d pay good money just to watch us sit there and talk for two hours?”

“I don’t know.”

“Well, if it had been a movie, we should’ve talked about that prune eating contest I had with Accounting the other day. Dude, you won’t believe how long I was on the shitter after that. People would’ve liked to have heard about that.”

“I’m sure they would have.”

Unfortunately, the conversation is cut short by a giant meteorite which obliterates New York City and the World.

Diehard 9: Terrorists. What else is new?

Some relative of Bruce Willis gets captured by terrorists in a zeppelin moored off the coast of Equatorial Guinea. Bruce Willis kills said terrorists in a variety of ways while dispensing witty one-liners. Rinse and repeat until all the terrorists die. The end.

-AS’12

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