Chairman’s Address – September 2008

byowitzI’m probably not the first person to say this, and I probably won’t be the last, and neither am I the most sincere, although I’m assuredly not the least sincere (that honor goes to Shirley T.), but Welcome Class of 20-whatever-it-is-now-I-can’t-remember-the-last-3-years.
I’m sorry, I’m a senior, and actually saying what year you kids are going to graduate just makes me feel old. By the time you guys are out of here, my entire graduating class will have either

(a) graduated from business
school,

(b) graduated from law
school, or

(c) made their first
million.

Except for the Tiger staff, who will have made their first billion in the oh-so-lucrative fields of comedy writing and clown performances at birthday parties. I’m sure everybody has given you all kinds of advice on what to expect from college, but the Tiger Magazine Editorial Staff has given me a platform from which to run my mouth, so I’ll use my bully pulpit to teach you children some of the most important things about Princeton.

First off, the theme of this issue is not stupid or inane; it’s wise. Beware Fire Safety. They are animals who are trying to steal both your soul and your stove. If you don’t take Fire Safety seriously, they will take your stuff and take away your booze money (not that any of you drink, that would be wrong). You decided to bring your 6-foot bong to college? That’s a fire hazard. You decided to bring a Foreman grill to cook your steaks? That’s a fire hazard. You decided to take a few tanks of crude oil and keep them next to your incense candles? Believe it or not, that’s a fire hazard.

If you don’t care one way or another about Fire Safety, drum-roll please, they’ll still take your stuff and fine you. You took a garden hose to put out any flames that might erupt in your
dorm? That’s a fire hazard. You decided to hang a Stop Drop and Roll poster from your door so you know what to do in case of a fire? That’s a fire hazard. You decided to hang a sign on your door saying “This is a means of egress” so you don’t get confused in the event of a fire as to where to egress? That’s a fire hazard.

In non-Fire Safety advice, watch out for invading Russian troops and Forbesians. Both are very dangerous and full of anger at the Western world. You can tell the former because they will be traveling in tanks and wearing green helmets. The latter will be traveling on bicycles and wearing worn-in sneakers. Groucho Marx said that he didn’t want to be a member of any club that would have him. In that vein, don’t come out to our meetings and enjoy our drinks and snacks. Don’t come out and be funny and hang out with funny people (like not me). We
look forward to not seeing you at our first meeting of the year — this coming THURSDAY AT 9:00 at TOWER CLUB on the 2nd floor (the second building on the right on Prospect…the one with the tower).

I wish you all a happy five, four, three, two, or one years at this place. For some select few, six years. May grade deflation not stop you from getting a good job. Just kidding, you’ll be
unemployable because your school hates you.

-DB

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