Whitman Secedes!

WhitmanToday, Whitman College announced its secession from the Federal Union in two separate letters to Congress and Shirley Tilghman.

This follows the implementation of ‘College Night’, an exclusive system where only students from Whitman may dine in the Whitman dining hall on specified nights. Whitman College Master Harvey Rosen ordered the moat surrounding the college to be filled with alligators and entry refused to anyone not bearing the 4-leaved crest of Whitman.

He announced that the University’s belief that all dining halls are created equal is “unfounded”. When asked what the other underclassmen should do to subsist, he responded “let them eat cake.” Rosen then declared a state of emergency and suspended the constitution, insisting these measures help fight terrorism.

Official Washington policy with regard to Whitman remains unknown. When informed of Whitman’s secession, during an elementary school visit, President George W. Bush paused for a moment before asking a third grader to continue reading to him.

Shortly after the secession, Shirley Tilghman issued a statement that she would try and follow Lincoln’s Civil War example in resolving this crisis, reiterating that “a university divided against itself cannot stand.” While this would also result in the annexation of Spelman, 97% of people polled in Frist said they didn’t know anyone there or care.

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