Jolie Adopts Princetonian


The past year has seen a lot of activity by the actress, whore, and Special Ambassador for the UN High Commissioner on Refugees, Angelina Jolie. In mid-March Jolie adopted yet another international child to add to her family of third-world castoffs and one biological baby. Jolie’s adoption world tour did not stop in the war-torn country of Vietnam– last Thursday Jolie arrived in Princeton via helicopter.

“These people [Princetonians] have starved for so long.”

Jolie’s observation is accurate. One in seven Princetonians is starving and/or does not have enough money to pay his alcohol fees. Thus, Jolie has endeavored to adopt an emaciated Cottage member. After lining the Cottage members up against the wall, Jolie remarked how “cute and sad they all were,” quivering from malnutrition. Ultimately she chose a small, hollow-cheeked girl wearing pearls and sweats.

The chosen said, “Like, I can’t believe she picked me, I didn’t eat for, like, weeks so I’d be super hot. Oh my God, I’m famous. I just hope I don’t have to touch her AIDS baby…”

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