J.K. Rowling Outs Even More People

rowlingAfter famously declaring a few weeks ago that Dumbledore was homosexual, JK Rowling has recently outed several more beloved children’s characters.

“Winnie the Pooh is gay, Mother Goose is a lesbian, Santa Claus is a pedophile, Snow White is a midgophile, and Hansel and Gretel have much more in the oven than an old hag, if you catch my drift,” her latest statement read.

“Also, while they might not be homosexuals, all of Lemony Snicket’s characters suck.” In her press release, she also outed several famous children’s authors. “Aesop? Gay. Grimm? Gay. Baum? FLAMING. And Neil Gaiman? I mean, come on!”

Her revelations have led scores of literary critics to go back and revise their readings of children’s literature, and have led several book chains like Barnes & Noble and Borders to merge their “Gay and Lesbian” and “Children” sections. The film crew behind the Harry Potter movies have halted production to recast Dumbledore yet again, with the current top contenders for the role being Sir Ian McKellen and Richard Simmons.

The Christian Right was specifically appalled by Rowling’s announcement that C.S. Lewis’s “Chronicles of Narnia,” which are traditionally seen as Christianity-inspired works, is “one big homoerotic fantasy.” Many conservative organizations responded by publicly burning whatever Harry Potter books they haven’t burned already. A few of these organizations also burned copies of Lewis’s books, “just in case,” as one member noted. Several key figures in the movement responded as well: Ann Coulter got all bitchy, Jerry Fallwell rolled over in his grave, and Pat Robertson’s head exploded.

While not outraged, some parents were still concerned. “I don’t think my kids are ready to learn about sexual orientation and all that,” said Mary Hart, who mothers two five-year-old sons. “It’s times like this that I’m glad that they don’t read at all, but instead play harmless video games like Grand Theft Auto.”

– W

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