Each month, Tiger Magazine brings you an exclusive real-world perspective on an exciting career opportunity that could be waiting for you after graduation. This month’s guest SERIAL MURDERER Alan Butler Davies
Princeton Tiger: Well, to start off, I’d like to thank you, Mr. Davies, for taking the time out of your busy schedule to chat with us.
Alan Butler Davies: [Gestures to telephone handset through the glass, mouthing “You have to talk through the phone, dumbass!”]
PT: Oh, sorry about that. I was just saying we appreciate your taking the time to speak to us today.
ABD: No problem. I’d just be making handcrafted coasters out of paste and little bits of torn paper all day anyway.
PT: So how did you first get into the serial murder business?
ABD: Well, growing up I was a big fan of Charlie Manson, who’s always been an inspiration to me. Plus, my father died when I was young, and my mother sort of went crazy so my abusive brother had to take care of me, and that left me with a lot of issues to sort out. I guess I was kind of destined for it.
PT: What advice would you give to all the budding young serial killers out there?
ABD: Hmmm . . . there are some key things you gotta remember. Being a good serial killer is like writing a successful TV show. You need a target demographic, a good gimmick to get people interested, and a consistent plotline that slowly unfolds from one episode to the next. You have to be bold, pushing the envelope with each new murder. And don’t think education isn’t important. You need to be brilliant and cultured — the media eats that shit up — but most importantly, you can’t show emotion or remorse. If you do, hell, then people are gonna think you’re some kind of psychopath.
PT: Well, that’s certainly valuable advice for any career. What kinds of options for advancement are available in your field?
ABD: Okay, there are two basic paths you can take, and it really depends on how careful you are and how lucky you are. First one is, like me, they catch you. The key to success in that case is to remain totally calm and go along with the cops; make it look like you wanted to get caught. Then, ham it up during the trial. That’s how you become a household name. You’ll have people psychoanalyzing you on the evening news all over the country. Second way you can go is, obviously, you evade detection for long enough that you start getting copycats. If you get one, lay low for a little while, but you might need to keep up your original work. Once you get a solid two or three copycats, that’s when you’ve built up enough of a reputation that people will be blaming murders on you for years to come, and you can retire knowing none of the later cases can be traced to you. That’s every serial killer’s dream.
PT: Well, thanks, I think we have time for one more question. What do you think is the one most important key to successful serial killing?
ABD: Oh, easy. You need a wicked M.O. The kinkier, the better — if it’s really good, the press might give you a nickname. And you have to be original. Me, I went after magazine writers. I used to dress the bodies in moccasins made of human hair. By the way, what shoe size are you?
PT: All right, thank you very much, Mr. Davies, I think visiting hours are over.
ABD: [Makes obscene suggestive gesture as guards drag him away]