… actually, you don’t have a lover, do you? So let’s just skip directly to the “99 Ways to Die” part. Admit it, it’s Valentine’s Day and seeing all those happy couples enjoying a holiday created by greeting card companies makes you sick. Better to just end it all now before you spend the rest of your life alone, right? Right. And what better way to end it than with a fantastic Princeton-style suicide? Here’s what you could do:
The Prospecet 111: Add an extra 1 and you’re sure to die of alcohol poisoning (unless you are Irish, then you’ll just get tipsy).
Love Too Much: Safe sex is lame. Throw away those condoms, catch a train to Rutgers, and fuck the pain away. Sure, it takes a while to die from syphilis, but it sure is fun!
It’s the End of the World as We Know It, and I’m Jumping Off Fine: The tallest building on campus will be sure to get the job done, and then some! Plus, if you land on those loose tiles in the courtyard, you’re certain to finally see what’s under them.
The Heart Stop: Every sandwich on Hoagie Haven’s menu in one day, plus the Sanchez with melted chocolate… the Dirty Sanchez. If you don’t die (probably from cardiac arrest), Tiger will pay for the subs.
Cafe Vivisection: Coffee. Hot.
Princeton Branch Davidians: Dive in front of the Dinky. What’s more Princeton than that worthless train?
Or if those don’t work, there are always more ideas:
- Go to McCosh: Maybe malpractice doesn’t count as suicide, but it really would be your fault for trying to get actual medical care there.
- Laxi-lecture: Down a whole bottle of your favorite laxatives (Ex-lax, Castor Oil, Senna Tablets, or anything from your local Taco Bell), and then sit through an entire day’s worth of McCosh 10 lectures while trying your best to hold it in. Whether internally or externally, your day is sure to end with a bang!
- Going “Postal”: Ask one of the ChemE majors to cook you up a special disease cocktail and an antidote for it. Take the cocktail and mail the antidote to yourself using the University’s fabulous mail service. See if you can get the antidote to save yourself in the nick of time! (Just kidding… there’s no way it will get to you in time.)
- Nash-icide: Find John Nash and tell him you’re a Commie spy. Run like hell.
- Dining Hall Death: Eat regularly at your local Dining Hall. It will work soon enough.