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Christopher Mintz-Plasse: Please Stop Using My Picture in Your Sexual Assault Awareness Videos 

              Hello, Princeton. I am Christopher Mintz-Plasse. You may recognize me from such films as “Kick-Ass,” “Superbad,” and “12 Years a Slave.” I love my work and…

Nassau Hall

Holy Shit, Two New Trees

              Holy mother of God, there are two brand new trees on campus. Right in front of Nassau Hall, smack-dab in the middle of a chunk of…


I’m Beginning to Think My Lab’s “Smasherator” Experiments are Unnecessarily Cruel to Lab Mice

Let me begin by saying that I’m not an animal rights activist or anything. As a Princeton student studying Molecular Biology, I have experimented on my share of live mice in the pursuit…


Dale Grant Awardee: “I Will Journey to the Orient”

On Thursday afternoon, Marcello Romano was named this year’s recipient of the Dale Fellowship. Romano has stated his intention to use the $35,000 award to “journey to the Orient.” Said spokesperson Daniel Palomey,…



    – MF ’19, illustrated by KG ’19


Elon Musk: I Will Fly a Man Into the Sun

  The Sun. Ra. Helios. For millennia, humans have looked up at their own yellow star, marveled at its brilliance, felt its heat on their faces, and dreamed of someday flying a man…

President-Elect  Chris Eisgruber

President Eisgruber Gains Sentience

University Urges Community To Remain Calm Princeton, NJ – A report released from the Office of the Provost earlier today confirmed that University President Christopher Eisgruber has gained sentience. Executive Director of Public Safety…


My Journalistic Integrity Demands This Scathing Review of Dearest Malcolm’s Lackluster Performance in Rent: the Musical

On Friday night, Princeton’s premier student-run theater organization staged their interpretation of Rent: the Musical. The set design was inspired, the accompaniment moving, and the performances were, with one exception, heartfelt and stirring….

Couple driving convertible car in countryside, waving arms,  rear view

Five Places in America To Visit If You Really Have Nothing Better To Do

Dorney Park and Wildwater Kingdom, Allentown PA This fairly run-of-the-mill theme park in eastern Pennsylvania is probably good for a moderately amusing afternoon. It’s Peanuts-themed, which is kind of fun, though most of…


Ruthless American Grilling Tyrant Overthrown in Bloodless Family Coup

With football tailgate season well underway, sources claim that local uncle Gary Bendenberg has been deposed from his self-proclaimed position of “King of the Grill” in a bloodless coup. Bendenberg, known only as…

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