"valentine’s day 2013" tag

Space Dating

Are you single? More importantly, are you desperate? Finally, do you want to cross the border between planets and species into a realm of pleasures unknown? Our guide to intergalactic dating will fulfill…


How 2 Get Laid

Listen. Do you hear that? That’s the sound of a thousand lonely women. That’s the sound of failure. Fortunately, I’m here to turn that frown sound upside down. After pussy-hounding for all thirteen…


Led Zeppelin IV: A Sex Diary

Led Zeppelin’s iconic fourth record is quite possibly the biggest, meanest, sexiest rock album of all time. So I fucked to it. Get ready. It’s Led Zeppelin IV, a sex diary. Black Dog…

Wang_Trojan copy

Trojans And Their Condoms

After six years of digging, I’m starting to suspect the ancient Trojans never actually used condoms. Maybe it’s funny to these corporation fat cats to throw around connections like “condoms” and “Troy” that…


The Surrealist’s Guide to Giving the Perfect Blowjob

A trip and a blowjob. All in one.


Mom & Pop Sex Shop To Close

Amateur sex enthusiasts Agnes and James Rafano, tired of enjoying a simply above-average sex life, decided to go pro and opened their store in 1971. It has remained one of New Jersey’s only family-owned and operated dildo distributors ever since. But everything is about to change.


Timeline of Forgetting Her Name

1 minute Wait, she just said it a minute ago. It started with an… S? No, that’s Shakira. I’m thinking of Shakira. 10 minutes Uh oh, we’ve been talking too long for me…


A Draft of the Class of 2017 Admissions Letter

Dear Admitted Student, Congratulations! You are coming to Princeton. It has been pre-ordained. Not by the stars (we control those) but by our media stranglehold. You’ll spend a few weeks pretending to juggle…


Rejected Candy Hearts

They’re just chalk anyway.


A Letter To My 18-Year-Old Self

Dear 18-Year-Old Self, You bubble with independence and are surrounded by a campus of like-minded individuals in a sea of Milwaukee’s Best. College has made you a solemn promise since day one of…

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