"The Secret Issue" tag
19-Club

Sorry, We Cannot Offer You a Bid

It’s with sincere regret that I must inform you that we cannot offer you membership into 19 Club, Princeton’s premier all-male, secret tobacco smoking society. I guess you could say it wasn’t your “lucky strike,” “bud.”

Capmandont

Capmandon’t

I’ve been doing some contract work lately. Anscombe Society stuff. Why? Cause I’m the best in the biz, that’s why. I’ve been preventing hookups since you were wearing diapers, kid. I’m a professional. They call me “The Blocker.”

8things_spirals

Princeton’s Secrets Revealed

You may have been on campus for two, three, even four years by this point, but that doesn’t mean you don’t still have questions about this place and the secrets it holds. The Princeton Tiger recently acquired a set of sensitive documents that should put some of these questions to bed for good.

prince-theory

WAKE UP SHEEPLE

For too long the DAILY PRINCETONIAN has LIED to HARD-WORKING AMERICANS of this University, taking orders directly from the corporate clowns of HARVARD UNIVERSITY and promoting a CRIMSON AGENDA.

Laptop-Stickers

Secret Listservs

ListServs tell us everything we need to know about food we won’t eat, events we won’t attend, and clubs we won’t participate in. Here are a few ListServs you probably know nothing about.

Bushs Baked Beans

A Message From Jay Bush

Bush’s traditional policy of recipe secrecy will always encourage speculation like this, so I have decided to finally reveal part of our secret recipe.

Quad

Quad Invents Eighth Day, Hundreds Disappear

Charter had Fridays. Cottage had Sundays. And even Tower had something. But one club stood among the rest without a day to its name. Quad. The humiliation was staggering. That’s when Quadrangle Club engineers came up with a novel solution. They would invent a new day. An eighth day. “Quad Day.”

Love-Birds-Parrots

How to Make Your Secret Crush Notice You in 15 Easy Steps

1. Be Bold!  Guys like bold. Send an email with a menial request to a listserv you knowhe’s on. Use a bold font. 2. Show him a sign!  Slip a printout of the…

Lonely Place_2

A Lonely Place

I sat in the dark, face lit only by the gentle hues of an unrefreshed Friendsy page. How could I sleep, knowing full well my woman could be out with some other man?

Reichling

Student Becomes First to Ever Read Traffic Alert Email, Discovers Warren of Madness

Gabriella Garcia Vargas ’17 recently became the first person to read the entirety of a University “Traffic Alert” email, inadvertently discovering a dark hive of unimaginable, soul-shearing insanity in the process.

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