"the america issue" tag

The National Parks Suck and We All Know it

Our national parks have been a source of American pride for decades, a symbol of our love for our land. And if you’ve ever actually been to one, you also know they’re complete…


It is the Burger King

It is the Burger King Strange traveler, I warn you Ahead lies only sizzling destruction The crackling voice of Temptation seduces those who brave the drive-thru line Ruin and terror await behind glass…


New Evidence Suggests The Native Americans Had Dibs

WASHINGTON—Leading historians from the Smithsonian Institute revealed Tuesday that new evidence has emerged suggesting that the Native Americans had previously called dibs on the land now comprising much of the continental United States….


What is Barack Obama Going to Do Now?

Try out bangs Demonstrate exercise equipment in late-night infomercials   Finally let out that fart he’s been holding in for eight years Take an 18-minute nap Force Sarah McLachlan into retirement and sing…


Americans Can’t Seem to Agree On Anything Other Than The Clear Superiority Of My Basketball Skills

In This Polarized Political Climate, Americans Can’t Seem to Agree On Anything Other Than The Clear Superiority Of My Basketball Skills Sometimes I worry about the direction this country is taking. Between this…


Deadlocked: With No Ninth Justice, The Supreme Court Has Been Unable to Cast The Government’s Upcoming Production of “Guys and Dolls”

Well, this isn’t good. Remember when Republicans in Congress refused to confirm President Obama’s nomination of Merrick Garland to the Supreme Court, leaving the recently deceased Justice Antonin Scalia’s seat vacant? Turns out…


A Note About Selfies from Hillary Clinton

Hello, citizens of Trump’s America. It is I, Hillary Clinton, the person you wish you had elected president. These past few weeks have been tough for all of us. Some of you are…


iDrive like an Asshole

  Self-driving car manufacturers are reportedly attempting to assuage consumer fears that their products do not adequately replicate mankind’s capacity for reckless, idiotic, and deeply selfish decision-making on the road. Industry reports emerged…


Spires and Gargoyles – The America Issue

So, it’s been more than a month since the day the middle of America emerged from their underground tunnels to elect a xenophobic, spray-tanned member of the Lollipop Guild as President of the…

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