"Princeton" tag

Who Is This Man? A Profile of President Eisgruber

Princeton President Christopher Eisgruber opens up about his adventurous past and talks about his journey to the job.


Sorry, We Cannot Offer You a Bid

It’s with sincere regret that I must inform you that we cannot offer you membership into 19 Club, Princeton’s premier all-male, secret tobacco smoking society. I guess you could say it wasn’t your “lucky strike,” “bud.”

Princeton’s Endowment is Huge

“I always saw ads on the internet that promised to make my applicant pool bigger and stronger, and I never believed them,” said Eisgruber. “But one day, I clicked, and, well—here we are.”


Furious Tilghman Unleashes Full Brunt of Weather Machine

Princeton University President Shirley Tilghman, angered for unexplained reasons, has been using her personal weather machine to wreak havoc on the University campus.

Bootleg Eating Clubs

Bootleg Eating Clubs

Because F. Pretensions

Final Exam

On Having Finals After Break

To having finals after break I’d favor burning at the stake. At least the fire wouldn’t take as long as death by Monster shake. At MIT, they may play Quake and Brown kids…

Ohlwiler_Helicopter Web

Princeton Approves Orgy on Cannon Green

Less than a week after Harvard officially recognized Harvard College Munch, a student group devoted to kinky sex, the Ivy League’s kinky sex arms race escalated. Yesterday, Princeton University issued a press release encouraging the freshman class to participate in a class-wide orgy on Cannon Green.

scalia cover

Scalia Writes “Rights” on a Piece of Paper, Pisses on It

Associate Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia makes some controversial remarks at Princeton.


Fire Safety to Administer Literal Fire Drills Tuesday

In a follow-up to their Thursday email regarding the upcoming fire drills, Housing Operations announced today that they were putting aside the traditional fire-drill procedure, where fire drill personnel direct students out of their dorms, in favor of another procedure that involves the use of actual drills of fire.


University Raises Sushi Prices Yet Again, Resulting in Mass Student Outrage and Chaos

Not long after lowering sushi prices after student discontent, Princeton University was forced to raise sushi prices yet again.

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