Furious Tilghman Unleashes Full Brunt of Weather Machine
Princeton University President Shirley Tilghman, angered for unexplained reasons, has been using her personal weather machine to wreak havoc on the University campus.
On Having Finals After Break
To having finals after break I’d favor burning at the stake. At least the fire wouldn’t take as long as death by Monster shake. At MIT, they may play Quake and Brown kids…
Princeton Approves Orgy on Cannon Green
Less than a week after Harvard officially recognized Harvard College Munch, a student group devoted to kinky sex, the Ivy League’s kinky sex arms race escalated. Yesterday, Princeton University issued a press release encouraging the freshman class to participate in a class-wide orgy on Cannon Green.
Scalia Writes “Rights” on a Piece of Paper, Pisses on It
Associate Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia makes some controversial remarks at Princeton.
Fire Safety to Administer Literal Fire Drills Tuesday
In a follow-up to their Thursday email regarding the upcoming fire drills, Housing Operations announced today that they were putting aside the traditional fire-drill procedure, where fire drill personnel direct students out of their dorms, in favor of another procedure that involves the use of actual drills of fire.
University Raises Sushi Prices Yet Again, Resulting in Mass Student Outrage and Chaos
Not long after lowering sushi prices after student discontent, Princeton University was forced to raise sushi prices yet again.
The Tiger’s Hymn
The Schools You Could Have Gone To (or, There’s Nothing Wrong With Ending a Title in a Preposition) You could have gone to Harvard And been a Crimson man. But what the fuck’s…
‘Twas the Night Post-Commencement
‘Twas the night post-commencement When all through my head Not a thought there was stirring But fear, doubt, and dread. My parents paid dearly, Got bills upon bills. But what am I left…
