Posts Tagged ‘president’

Ralph Nader ‘55 to Run for Freshman Class President

BREAKING NEWS: Perennial candidate Ralph Nader has reportedly just filed paperwork to run for freshman class president. “Normally when I run for president, I just get about 1% of the vote,” said Nader, “But there’s so many people running, 1% might be enough.” With his announcement, this becomes...
October 13th, 2010 | Princeton | Read More

Shyamalan to Direct Obama’s Presidency

In a move which seems calculated to alienate his already-shrinking fan base, President Barack Obama has hired director M. Night Shyamalan to replace Senior Advisor David Axelrod. “I just think my first term could really use a twist-ending,” said the President, defending his controversial...
October 1st, 2010 | Politics | Read More

Panic, as Joe Biden Finds Chocolate in White House Kitchen

An alarm was raised in the White House yesterday when it was discovered that Vice President Joe Biden had ingested a large amount of baker’s chocolate which he had found while sniffing around the White House kitchen. Though Biden was in a perilous state of health immediately after consuming the...
December 1st, 2009 | Politics | Read More

Doctor Faust, by Lawrence Summers

(Scene: Drew Gilpin Faust, a female, is reflecting in her study.) Faust: Damn it all! I have learned everything that my lowly female brain could possibly hold, and I am still unsatisfied… (to audience) because, you know, women are never satisfied. Am I right, guys? Am I right? (back to monologue)...
April 15th, 2007 | Princeton | Read More

Bush’s New Iraq Strategy Based on Romantic Comedies

Just in time for Valentine’s Day President Bush last week unveiled his latest plans for the conflict in Iraq. According to Bush, this new strategy offers a fresh perspective on the war, one that envisions it as a coming-of-age romantic comedy, a bildungsroman picture with a heart of gold. “Up...
February 15th, 2007 | Politics | Read More