Furious Tilghman Unleashes Full Brunt of Weather Machine
Princeton University President Shirley Tilghman, angered for unexplained reasons, has been using her personal weather machine to wreak havoc on the University campus.
A Benedict XVI Presidency?
On Monday, His Holiness Benedict XVI announced his resignation from the papacy, shocking the world and igniting speculation that he may be in the running to replace outgoing Princeton University President Shirley Tilghman.
Gary Johnson Carries New Jersey As Democrats, Republicans Stay Home
Election watchers of all political stripes were stunned Tuesday night as long-shot Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson decisively carried New Jersey, winning 100 percent of the 73 votes cast throughout the state.
Things Least Likely to be Said During the Presidential Debates
A lot of major points will be raised tonight. Here are exactly none of them.
Romney Chooses Barack Obama as Running Mate in Appeal to Independents, African-Americans
In a shocking turn of events, a source with intimate knowledge of the decision tells The Princeton Tiger that Mitt Romney has chosen Barack Obama as his Vice Presidential running mate.
Ralph Nader ‘55 to Run for Freshman Class President
BREAKING NEWS: Perennial candidate Ralph Nader has reportedly just filed paperwork to run for freshman class president. “Normally when I run for president, I just get about 1% of the vote,” said Nader,…
Shyamalan to Direct Obama’s Presidency
In a move which seems calculated to alienate his already-shrinking fan base, President Barack Obama has hired director M. Night Shyamalan to replace Senior Advisor David Axelrod. “I just think my first term could really…
Panic, as Joe Biden Finds Chocolate in White House Kitchen
An alarm was raised in the White House yesterday when it was discovered that Vice President Joe Biden had ingested a large amount of baker’s chocolate which he had found while sniffing around the White House kitchen.
Doctor Faust, by Lawrence Summers
(Scene: Drew Gilpin Faust, a female, is reflecting in her study.) Faust: Damn it all! I have learned everything that my lowly female brain could possibly hold, and I am still unsatisfied… (to…
