"MA’19" tag

In Recognition Of Woodrow Wilson’s Complex Legacy, U. Throws Raucous, Twelve-Day Parade In His Honor

In an effort to grapple with Woodrow Wilson’s complicated legacy and controversial presence on campus, the University today kicked off a raucous, twelve-day parade celebrating his accomplishments. “I realize that Woodrow Wilson’s connection…


New Evidence Suggests The Native Americans Had Dibs

WASHINGTON—Leading historians from the Smithsonian Institute revealed Tuesday that new evidence has emerged suggesting that the Native Americans had previously called dibs on the land now comprising much of the continental United States….


Americans Can’t Seem to Agree On Anything Other Than The Clear Superiority Of My Basketball Skills

In This Polarized Political Climate, Americans Can’t Seem to Agree On Anything Other Than The Clear Superiority Of My Basketball Skills Sometimes I worry about the direction this country is taking. Between this…

A Letter to the Class of 2020

College is an exciting time. For the next four years, you’ll be learning new things, exploring new places, and meeting new people. But most importantly, college is the time to figure out what…


All Jokes Aside, I’m Going to Need to See Some I.D. (by Officer Carlson)

Look, I get it. You were out looking for a couple of laughs. Probably expected to have yourself a downright hilarious time. I bet you thought you could read a few articles, chuckle…

Groundbreaking Study of Gravitational Wave Conversation Confirms Einstein’s Prediction that Science is Confusing

Following LIGO’s confirmation of the existence of gravitational waves, a fundamental prediction of Einstein’s Theory of Relativity, scientists announced Monday that a detailed survey of the resulting conversation has provided evidence for another…

Happy College Student

Prefrosh Saving Self for College Hookup Scene

Zach McCarthy, a recently admitted member of the Class of 2020, revealed his decision Wednesday to abstain from sexual intercourse until the fall when he can fully take advantage of the university’s hookup…

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