"eisgruber" tag
failure

Letter from the Editor-in-Chief: Reflections on Four Years of Failure

I HAVE FAILED THIS INSTITUTION. I have spent four years as part of The Princeton Tiger, the campus’ one and only intentionally funny publication (I said “intentionally,” Tory, Prince), and despite that, and…

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Let’s Get a Meal Some Time

“I’m so glad we did this,” Eleanor said as we left Wilcox. “People always say, ‘Let’s get a meal sometime,’ but nobody ever follows through. It was great seeing you!” “You too!” I…

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Who Said It: Eisgruber or Pinochet?

Can you figure out which quotes are from Princeton University President Christopher L. Eisgruber and which are from Brutal Chilean Dictator Augusto Pinochet?

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Who Is This Man? A Profile of President Eisgruber

Princeton President Christopher Eisgruber opens up about his adventurous past and talks about his journey to the job.

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Princeton Shoots to #1, Harvard on Rapid Decline

Leading experts in college analysis have determined that Princeton is objectively better than Harvard. According to a committee of feuding alumni at US News Magazine, Princeton has achieved a US News & World Report rating of 100 beating out Harvard’s mere 99.

Princeton’s Endowment is Huge

“I always saw ads on the internet that promised to make my applicant pool bigger and stronger, and I never believed them,” said Eisgruber. “But one day, I clicked, and, well—here we are.”

grades

Grade Deflation Committee Finds Students’ Grades Still Too High, Recommends 10% A’s

The faculty committee created by University President Chris Eisgruber to assess the University’s grading policy released its findings well ahead of schedule on Tuesday, recommending that no more than 10 percent of the grades given in any department should be A’s—a reduction from the current figure of 35 percent.

Professor al-Assad lecturing at the Syrian Studies department

President Issues Executive Order to Intervene in Syrian Studies Department

After more than two years of hesitation and inaction regarding the crisis in the Syrian Studies department, President Eisgruber announced at a press conference Tuesday morning the university’s decision to intervene due to “the objectionable behavior of the department head,” Bashar Assad.

eisgruber

President Eisgruber Steps Down, Cites Three-Year Affair with David Petraeus

In a move that has shaken the Princeton community to its very core, President Christopher L. Eisgruber resigned from his position Monday morning, revealing a “passionate, tragic” affair between himself and former U.S. Army General David Petraeus.

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Presidential Initiation Investigated for Hazing

Being the President of Princeton University has its responsibilities. Controlling the direction of the nation’s most prestigious research institution, managing the affairs of one of the most intelligent faculty bodies in the world, and overseeing the education of an internationally-acclaimed undergraduate body, to name a few. But recent administrative investigations suggest that this authority may come at a cost: pledge-hood.

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