"AKS15" tag

Letter from the Editor-in-Chief: Reflections on Four Years of Failure

I HAVE FAILED THIS INSTITUTION. I have spent four years as part of The Princeton Tiger, the campus’ one and only intentionally funny publication (I said “intentionally,” Tory, Prince), and despite that, and…


Porphyria’s Hookup

The rain set early in to-night, The sullen wind was soon awake, It tore past Elm Drive pre-game lights, And did its worst to vex the Lake: I listen’d with heart fit to…


Blood and the Badge: An Agent Powers Story

Written by Public Safety Officer Brian Powers   Agent Powers crept down the filthy hallway of the decrepit commune. Shifty eyes gleamed menacingly from behind crooked doors. It was a dangerous place. But,…


USG Cancels Big Sean At Lawnparties, Uses Money To Buy Corvette

Decision Blamed on “Ungrateful” Students Disappointed at what they termed a “thankless student body” after their Lawnparties announcement, the leaders of the Undergraduate Student Government today shocked Princeton University by canceling Big Sean’s…


“There Is No God”: One Man’s Quest to Win an Amazon Gift Card by Taking Psych Thesis Surveys

Four years. Four years, I have tried. Four years—four years! four years! I have tried. Four years, I have failed! I have tried everything now. My name is on all six res college…


A Valentine’s Day Sex Overload

SEX OVERLOADS. Everybody knows them. Everybody fears them. You’ll be heading to Late Meal or whatever, you know, just out and about and minding your own business, when— SEX. It comes flying out at you from every nook and cranny…


The Street From Hell

Ah, time for a good night out! You’ve pregamed nicely, your friends are going to meet you up ahead, you’ve got passes everywhere. But wait—something’s different about Prospect tonight. Somehow it’s more sinister….


Student Follows Tour Group, Discovers Princeton Is Located in Downtown Shanghai

When Angela Sherman ’16 decided to tail a group of tourists as they left the Princeton University campus, she thought she would watch them ask around for a place to eat, end up…


How the Dinky Spent Its Week Off

“This,” said Sir Topham Hatt, “is Dinky. She’s here for the week from the Orange Bubble of Princeton to help out while her line is being mended. She runs a branch line, so I’m going to have her run your branch line for the week, Thomas. Now go shunt freight cars in the yard.”


16 Incredibly Impressive People We Wish Were Princeton Students

John von Neumann: Yes, by age 19 he’d already published two papers in mathematics, one of which replaced Cantor’s definition of ordinal numbers. But that was at  Pázmány Péter University! Just imagine if he’d had…

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