Tim Matchen (Chairman) was born on the same day as Suleiman the Magnificent of the Ottoman Empire, the only reason his parents consistently remember his birthday. In succeeding years, he became the most feared pool shark on the eastern seaboard, beating people you’ve never heard of like Allen Hopkins, Earl Strickland, and Stephen Hendry. He gained admission to Princeton after beating President Tilghman and Dean Rapelye in a high-stakes game of Jenga. Tim is the keeper of the lists and freaks out if actual attendance at social gatherings exceeds initial estimates.
Alex Judge (Editor-in-Chief) was born and raised in North Dakota (pronounced you-tah). He wishes dearly that he could join the British Army, but is ineligible due to the detached retinas he received as a child after being convinced to face his biggest fear: riding in a hot air balloon. He consoled himself by joining the Territorial Army but was thrown out because he stole a tank and tried to invade Paris. He would’ve succeeded had he not stopped at Euro Disney and been apprehended on Space Mountain. Despite this, Alex is a sweet and caring individual who enjoys baking and hugs, though he spends most of his time on manlier pursuits like shooting things, eating meat, and Top Chef.
Andrew Sondern (President) had a promising career as a secret service sniper was cut short by Parkinson’s Disease. In the messy aftermath, he turned to wine coolers and spent his days repeatedly reenacting the music video to “Stacy’s Mom.” Four weeks and over 60 counts of public masturbation later, Andrew awoke from his nearly month-long blackout in a trash bag in the converted taproom of the Carl A. Fields Center for Equality and Cultural Understanding. While leaving the center, he heard faint murmurs of the glorious Tiger and knew he must be part of this fraternity of athletic, mustachioed wrestlers. It was definitely not TI or anything.
Matt Gwin (Managing Editor) was born a poor coal-miner’s daughter, but raised himself out of poverty through the stock market, buying and selling toothpick futures. He later made a name for himself on the underground Bog Snorkeling circuit, before an ear infection forced him to hang up the goggles. After a brief acting career under the name Newd Gingrich, he retired young to enjoy the quiet life. He poured most of his toothpick fortune into his charitable foundation Staplers for Tots, saving just enough to purchase a spot on Tiger’s Staff & Contributors page.
Katie Rose (Art Director) joined Tiger because of a misunderstanding of the principle of osmosis. She stuck around anyway partly because she still has delusions of being able to absorb funny from others, and partly because she has nothing else to do. Everyone else tolerates her because she’s strangely willing to spend her time awkwardly photoshopping things together. In her free time, she likes to painstakingly edit Wikipedia pages to add terrible puns, watch horrible animated kids movies “to laugh at”, and drop subtle references in the hopes of finding new friends.
Pavithra Vijayakumar (Layout Director) grew up on a farm in Hull in the 1920s, where her parents, imported from India to help the Smythes win a roast chicken recipe competition, worked as neurosurgeons. After seeing an anachronistic stone statue of an angel in the middle of her favorite wheat field, she found herself in Westchester, NY, year 2010, facing a poster of Lady Gaga in a meat dress. Assuming this was the garb of this new era, she slaughtered some cows, got arrested, and was institutionalized. She’s fine now except for a minor Gollum-Smeagol moment when half of her scorned Mitt Romney while the other half refused to see reason. He would make a very pretty president.
Trevor Klee (Business Manager) is.
Ryan O’Shea (Publicity Chair) was abandoned in a basket in the Tiber way back in the day, was found by some wolves, and grew up with Romulus & Remus. After a few centuries, a lot of limoncello, and that whole ‘Empire’ thing, he moved to a suburb of Philadelphia known for “that huge mall.” He spent his younger years wooing women, being a total boss at kickball, and being “that kid with a website.” Now, he’s studying engineeringlooking-down-on-people at “a small school in New Jersey,” with a certificate in nunchuck skills. His main goal in life is to break expectations, especially that conformist most-likely-to-succeed label he got in high school. His twitter is @ryancoshea.
Jacob Simon (Technology Director) was born on May 15, 1861, shortly before his home state of North Carolina became the last to almost not secede from the Union. To escape the war, the 6-day-old prodigy engineered a time machine and traveled to the year 1992. Adopted by a half-Jewish family, Jacob honed his skills of self-loathing and loneliness, proficiencies he continues to demonstrate at Tiger as the Tech Director. In recent months, a latent complication of time travel has caused all of Jacob’s work to slip into the future and Super Smash Bros. to emerge from the past. He’s also been described as a hipster, which has less to do with time travel than his growing collection of v-necks.
Dan Abromowitz (Executive Editor) has got so much game, he poops dice. He’s so fly, it’s like that Jeff Goldblum movie, The Fly, but every day. He parties so hard that the time he isn’t spending partying he spends in court, appealing the noise complaints he’s received. He has got so much bling, his nickname is Bling Crosby. He is so confident, people generally respond to him positively, but he is not confident enough that they are put off by him, because he is also so socially conscious. He’s got so much swagger that people are like, “Damn.” He has titanium bones and eats rocks for breakfast, and you can take that to the bank.
Rodrigo Menezes’s (Executive Editor) writing has been heralded by the New York Times as “obscene[ly]” funny and by the London Times as “terribl[y]” thought provoking. The New York Book Review considered his works “just plain awful[ly]” hilarious and Rodrigo has been known to describe his own work as “a toast to the grand institution of satire writing.” Various critics and authorities on and off campus have described his pieces in The Tiger as “offensive.” Rodrigo is certain that they mean this in an avant-garde sort of way. When not writing for Tiger under pseudonyms, he can be found contributing to affirmative action quotas in other clubs.
Stephen Stolzenberg (Executive Editor) was engineered as part of a secret East German military project bent on creating the ultimate Olympic Scrabble team. With the fall of the Berlin Wall in 1989, his parents escaped to America with Stephen still inside his mother’s womb. Stephen never saw the point in playing Scrabble competitively, because the English version is far easier to play than the German (in English Scrabble each player receives 7 letter tiles. In German, each player receives 50). He has instead devoted his loosely associative mind to such important pursuits as writing articles for the Tiger and executing pyramid schemes.
When Kyle O’Neil (Editor) was younger he bit people, pulled hair and ran around naked whenever he wasn’t dressed to kill. College has been making Kyle feel old so he decided to join The Tiger to keep to keep his inner child alive. This way if he ever decides to pick up any of these old habits, he can just tell people they were part of a highly organized and well thought out prank, the details of which are beyond top secret. Luckily, Kyle is on the path to recovery and has not committed a childish act for three whole months.
Adlan Jackson (Editor) vibes.
Kevin Shi (Editor) has been described by many as a boy, some as a man, and by his closest confidants, a surefire cure to yellow fever. After a long and frustrating career in verifying the babyproof-ness of household appliances, Kevin had his first success with written comedy in college, as his application essay caused an admissions officer to defecate. For better or for worse, the rest of his application was used as hygienic paper. On the Tiger team, Kevin uses his expertise in the freezing temperatures of popular drinks and inducing poops as the diplomatic muscle behind the magazine. A self-made man and Bulbasaur-chooser, Kevin enjoys spearfishing, Scooby-Doo, and orgasms. And while this mysterious man is often described as hard to reach, Kevin can reliably be found unconscious.
Stephen Wood (Editor) is a native of Virginia but decided to study at Princeton until the local police forgot about an incident he caused at a Richmond-area Hardee’s. In high school at St. Christopher’s School for Boys in Polo, Stephen was voted Handsomest, Most Likely to Succeed, Best Writer, and Most Likely to Falsify Biographical Information. In addition to his work for Tiger, he is an editor for The Daily Princetonian and has had work rejected by The New Yorker, Esquire, Maxim, Maxim for Kids, Tiger, and, repeatedly, O Magazine.
Max Gollin (Editor) has been described as many things: a visionary, an inspiration, a god amongst men, an egotist, a pathological liar, and a guy who is not very good at writing bios. When he was 6 years old, his parents offered him the choice between being a multibillionaire and a person who does things for a college humor magazine. He said “what does that mean?” and was then held back in school for several years. In his spare time, Max collects small-to-mid-sized animals and competes in underground rap battles as his alter-ego, M.C. ReesezPiecez. You can follow him on twitter @Maxwelliswell.
Jean-Carlos Arenas (Social Chair), aka JC aka Jay-Z depending on how loud it is or how drunk you are, was born in Paris, Texas—which is most definitely like the Paris of Texas in terms of fashion and culture and stuff. Originally born Jean-Carlos Gil, JC was born the day Jean-Charles Gille, semi-famous French engineer died. JC likes croissants and occasionally does arithmetic. Coincidence? Not likely. When JC isn’t enjoying French pastries or pretending to be doing math while he instead is actually watching shows like Cyberchase and Yu-Gi-Oh in his spare time, he can be seen ostensibly working for Tiger, which he has learned to love and develop a codependent relationship with.
