The Princeton Tiger, Inc. welcomes shareholders, clients, readers, contributors, loan sharks, wacky prospectors and all those with an interest to learn about the initiatives and strategy that will drive the company into the future. The world is changing in dramatic ways. Those changes come in many forms, including emerging technologies on the rise, the shift from print to online media, and countless other forces with which a modern company like the Tiger must adapt. Certainly, a dim worldwide economic outlook doesn’t make things easier, but as the following analysis will demonstrate, Tiger is well-positioned for continued success.
Here at the Tiger we are proud of our history. It’s a history that began in 1882, and when one considers all that has happened since then, it is a true testament to the strength and adaptability of this organization that we are still around, doing what we’ve always done – raping the environment for our amusement.
Here we discuss the previous fiscal year’s revenue profile and delve into the past, present, and future of the Tiger’s core business areas:
Despite a worsening global economic climate and gross corporate mismanagement, this year somehow saw an appreciable increase in revenue from frivolous lawsuits. One perennially bountiful source of income, suing coffee makers when a Tiger staffer spills his morning cup o’ joe on himself, expanded nearly 40% this year. Expert financial analysts say that this proves that, like grocery stores, the utter stupidity of Tiger staffers is completely recession-proof. Research into tapping this boundless stupidity as a renewable fuel is ongoing. Unfortunately, however, a series of cases which have angered a variety of judges, including Princeton Tiger, Inc. vs. Monica Seles for not finishing that match where she got stabbed (we had a grand riding on her), have resulted in the Tiger being prohibited from filing any further lawsuits without first posting a $10,000 contempt bond. This put an end to our planned filings of Princeton Tiger, Inc. vs. Mercer County Police Department for littering tickets on our cars, and Princeton Tiger, Inc. vs. FedEx Corporation for refusal to ship our smallest staffer, Wei Ling, back to China (I mean, we poked holes in the box and everything). Our longest ongoing litigation, Princeton Tiger, Inc. vs. The Estate of Martin Luther King, Jr. for not keeping down the noise that one time in 1963, remains held up in appeals, as it has for the last 46 years.
Revenues in this sector took a substantial hit last quarter as major financial firms moved to streamline their own fraud pipelines by cashing in on schemes in the works for months, sometimes years. Prior to execution, a series of M&A activity, including the high profile acquisition of Merrill Lynch’s insurance fraud department by Goldman Sachs led to a wave of claims that even insurance giants such as AIG couldn’t handle. In addition to AIG and other insurers requiring a government bailout, this anti-competitive practice is driving other players out of the insurance fraud business entirely. Complaints about these anticompetitive practices have been lodged with the appropriate bodies, but with every major firm on Wall Street playing in this game, there isn’t room for the little guy anymore. Indeed, if every organization of Tiger’s size continued burning down its offices at the rates we have in the past few years, the entire Insurance Fraud business itself would collapse. Therefore, management has decided to make the ethical choice and exit Insurance Fraud altogether. Our current and past staffers can rest assured though, that jobs in Wall Street Insurance Fraud departments will be awaiting them upon graduation.
Crackdowns by Eastern European authorities have severely limited shipments of our most popular products. Bribes to “friendly” officials are still proving effective in Southeast Asia, but we can’t be sure how long that will last. Dateline NBC’s recent forays into that territory also pose a public relations risk. These problems with supply have affected quality on the user end, and club attendance is down. Operating costs have also been affected. Due in part to improving economic conditions in Nigeria our primary source of street-deployed club promoters is becoming more expensive. A gradual phase out of our “hostess” club operations is planned for the coming year. Staff will be moved to ad sales, as we believe that many of our “hostesses” will prove effective in that area. Excess supply will be terminated.
In cooperation with local authorities, U.S. forces are making headway in Afghanistan, our primary opium source. While demand remains high, supplies are becoming hard to come by. Management has decided that the investment required to secure reliable sources in the future would outweigh the benefit. Also, we’re quitting the stuff – that shit seriously messes you up man – seriously. It’s debatable as to whether or not quitting opium use will increase or decrease the quality of the Tiger magazine, but we’re pretty sure quitting use and trade will enhance our focus on and ability to sell advertising.
With the planned phase-out of our trafficking operations (both opium and human) we expect a sharp decline in the emergence of blackmail opportunities. Indeed, hidden cameras in our clubs and connections to clients of our opium dealers as well as our “hostess” promoters supplied a steady stream of Individuals with Something to Lose (ISLs), as they are referred to internally. Efforts to find ISLs could be stepped up in our private investigation department, but once again, cost/benefit analysis has led management to order a gradual phase out of this business unit as well. Furthermore, it is believed that many of our blackmail operations and especially those employees formerly staffed in that department will prove useful in ad sales. Isn’t that right Mr. Marketing Director with a wife and kids?
Despite significant revenues from bail bonds last year, profit margins in this business unit were sharply negative. A study has identified the cause: the vast majority of bail bonds performed were for Tiger staffers themselves. Since most staffers use Tiger funds to reimburse bail fees anyway, and rarely make their scheduled court appearances, these bonds come out as a total loss. Management is working to address the issue by attempting to reduce arrest rates among employees and eliminating bail as a “reimbursable expense.” These self-bail bonds, however, accounted for only about half of bail bonds actually performed by Tiger. Other, legitimate bail bonds have been profitable, but margins do not justify continued investment into this area. We will be phasing out the bail bonds practice over the coming year, shifting that staff to focus primarily on ad sales. Crazy Julio may have to be laid off (as soon as someone volunteers to be the one to tell him).
What happened to Arms Dealing?
Astute observers may have noticed that arms dealing – a traditional mainstay of Tiger – did not generate any revenues last year. Indeed, the defeats of General Mikele’s forces at each of his sub-Saharan outposts have proven disastrous. All contracts from Mikele’s army (our largest customer) were abruptly terminated. A negative outlook on future arms deal prospects led management to decide to liquidate all stockpiled weapons holdings in our eastern European warehouses, generating a modest one-time revenue spike last year and putting an end to the Tiger’s long and storied presence in the low-grade weapons space. We hope to deploy the capital raised from the weapons sell-off to further ad sales promotion in the coming year.
Magazine Ad Sales
Realizing that ad sales, once Tiger’s primary income source, had dwindled to only 2% of revenues, management has decided to increase focus on this area. That and fear of arrest, of course, considering the nature of our alternative businesses. Trenton-based management consulting firm McDonald’s & Co. has been commissioned to assist in these efforts. According to their craigslist ad, upon receipt of our check, they will send us a plan with instructions on how to proceed. We are still waiting for the plan, and are sure it is coming soon.
Investment in VHS
Towards the end of 2008 the management of Tiger made an investment which turned out to be rather controversial. Spotting an opportunity in what Tiger believes to be the irrational exuberance of the DVD/Blu-ray fad, 84% of Tiger’s investment portfolio was swiftly moved into an array of so-called “VHS plays.” It continues to be the belief of management that the proven VHS technology now has nowhere to go but up, as evidenced by the graph above. I mean, you can store media on tape for crying out loud, it’s frigging amazing! Tiger management plans to sell when VHS has regained approximately 90% market share, which are just its 1999 levels.
Princeton Tiger, Inc.