Sci/Tech
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To My Third Period History Class: I Am So, So Sorry

I would like to issue a formal apology to the members of Ms. Svenson’s third period history class. This was not supposed to happen. I would like to assure you all that when…

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Did You Know: The Curiosity Rover Will Drink Itself to Death After 50 Years of Isolation!

If you’re a space geek like us, you probably knew that every August, the Mars Curiosity Rover celebrates its birthday by singing to itself. After all, it gets lonely up there! But you…

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Genius Roommate Knows Exactly What Characters in The Thing Should Have Done

In an unexpected turn of events, local roommate Keith Anderson declared that he had solved the dilemma of the characters in John Carpenter’s 1982 sci-fi horror film, The Thing. In a press conference…

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Internal Monologue of Buzz Aldrin as Neil Armstrong Becomes the First Man to Walk on the Moon

There he goes. Neil Armstrong, the first man to walk on the moon in my last pair of clean underwear. Why does he get to be the first one anyway? The directors of…

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Princeton Fraternity Sends Pledges to Mars

Yesterday afternoon, Princeton fraternity Sigma Omega Kappa announced that they have officially become the first collegiate fraternity, or organization of any kind, to successfully land “a fricken dude on Mars.” Tiger managed to land an exclusive interview with SOK…

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Newly Discovered Planet Can Support Life, But Not Hip Hop. And What Kind of a Life is That?

NASA announced Thursday the discovery of a new planet that, under the right circumstances, could viably support human life. However, as NASA’s report went on to reveal, this planet would be unable to support hip hop. And what kind of…

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Disappointing Wormhole Leads Directly to Sizzler in Muncie, Indiana

Earlier this week, NASA probe 141-R made international news by successfully pinpointing the location of the first ever documented wormhole. The probe’s previously mundane mission to the moon, a routine visit mainly for purposes of sediment examination, took a…

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Alternative Dating Apps

Not having any luck on Tinder, Grindr, or OKCupid? Sick of meeting people over Craigslist and repeatedly getting kidnapped? Bored of everyone you meet on Christian Mingle turning out to be a depraved serial…

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Emoticons for an Evolving Age

Sometimes a crude, punctuation-based picture is worth a small collection of words. And in this age of smartphones, where texting could transform at any moment into meaningful conversation, never has the conservation of…

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Everyone On Facebook Zuckerberg Except You

Only weeks after Facebook announced it had reached 1 billion users, a federal investigations commission has published a report revealing that the social networking site has only two certifiable account holders. One is none other than chief executive Mark Zuckerberg.

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