Archive for the ‘Princeton’ Category

Princeton Course Offerings 3009

Princeton University Course Offerings, Spring Term 3009 [recovered by Tiger Magazine’s intrepid, brave time-traveling reporter. Translated into English for popular consumption] AAS100: Introduction to African-American Studies Description: The toils and troubles of African Americans from slavery to...
April 20th, 2009 | Princeton | Read More

U.S. News & World Successfully Curbs Rank Inflation – Princeton Administrators Unaware of Irony

In what Princetonians across the nation are calling “bullshit,” the university has fallen to second place in U.S. News & World Report’s college rankings. When asked to comment on letting such dishonor befall Princeton under her watch, president Tilghman was Clintonesque in her response....
September 14th, 2008 | Princeton | Read More

Unicyclist Reports Theft of Front of Bike

PRINCETON, NJ – The unicyclist spotted riding around campus has reported the theft of the front of his bicycle to Public Safety, senior officials at Public Safety reported. “People think I’m just being cool riding around on one wheel, but really, I want my other wheel back,”...
November 25th, 2007 | Princeton | Read More

Snapshots of Princeton – November 2007

“Boy I LOVE Asian food!”
November 25th, 2007 | Snapshots | Read More

J. Crew Pleased With Diversity Efforts

According to sources in the company, J. Crew’s management is positively tickled pink by the success of Princeton’s diversity efforts. Relaxing in back of the Ivy Club during lawnparties on September 23, Senior Brand Enhancer Wexford A. S. Peabody enthused, “My, but this is great! It...
November 25th, 2007 | Princeton | Read More

Jolie Adopts Princetonian

The past year has seen a lot of activity by the actress, whore, and Special Ambassador for the UN High Commissioner on Refugees, Angelina Jolie. In mid-March Jolie adopted yet another international child to add to her family of third-world castoffs and one biological baby. Jolie’s adoption world...
November 25th, 2007 | Princeton | Read More

Tightrope Walkers Become More Macho

Walking on a tightrope may have looked fun to people who saw it on the cover of The Prince earlier this month. But it wasn’t challenging enough for some more daring ropists. “Come on, that thing was four feet off the ground! My blind paraplegic cat could’ve done it,” complained...
November 25th, 2007 | Princeton | Read More

Academic Doping Scandal

by the Fifth Quintile Allstar Princeton has long prided itself on its Honor Code and academic integrity, but the Discipline Committee recently announced that they have uncovered a new epidemic sweeping across our institution- Academic Doping. Though there is no formal definition of the scandal yet, academic...
November 25th, 2007 | Princeton | Read More

A Modest Proposal

Perhaps my diction may be too pretentious, but I chose it hoping to add a humorous element to my piece. I wish to bear witness to a modern American tragedy: late meal. The so-called “Frist Campus Center” provides an innocent lure to emaciated scholars, only deprive them of their health, wealth,...
November 25th, 2007 | Princeton | Read More

Public Safety Weekly Crime Blog

Date: Tuesday, November 20, 2007 Incident: Burglary and Theft The Department of Public Safety is alerting community members of a burglary and theft that occurred at Forbes Addition, between approximately 12:28 p.m. and 01:52 p.m. on 11/20. Between these times, an unknown person(s) entered an unlocked...
November 25th, 2007 | Princeton | Read More