Archive for the ‘Princeton’ Category

Colonial Hoses 90% of First Round Sign-Ins

Colonial Hoses 90% of First Round Sign-Ins “We’re really sorry, man.  It was a really strong year, and I spoke hard for you, but it just wasn’t to be.”  Alfred Blair ’12 (name changed to protect his remaining scraps of self-esteem) had just been hosed from Colonial’s...
February 4th, 2010 | Princeton | Read More

Archeological Dig in Firestone Library Turns up New Human Ancestor

Late last night, archaeologists working overtime in the recently discovered fifth basement of Firestone Library uncovered the preserved remains of several Princeton students who they believe to date back hundreds of years.  Their report, released today, details the specifics of their find. “With this...
January 17th, 2010 | Princeton | Read More

Precocious In Princeton

It’s difficult to maintain high school relationships in college. As a freshman, I’m learning this the hard way. I had a girlfriend of a year at a school in Philadelphia, my hometown. So I suppose you can guess what I’m going to say next. That’s right. My girlfriend was injured in a freak gasoline...
January 4th, 2010 | Princeton | Read More

Quickie News: Campus Feminists’ Participation in “No Shave November” A Success

This past month, campus feminists decided to participate in “No Shave November,” with the rousing endorsement of gender pioneer President Shirley Tilghman, who pledged to do the same. In a press release, campus feminists stated that “it’s unfair that women have a social obligation...
December 8th, 2009 | Princeton | Read More

The Humanities Sequence, in Haiku

Artist's rendition of a typical Hume class What has scads of small books, has 3,000 years of world history, and operates in both verse and prose? No, it’s not Red China — it’s Princeton’s very own Humanities Sequence! The Humanities Sequence, or “Hume,” focuses on Western...
November 14th, 2009 | Princeton | Read More

Pleasant Time Had by All at Alcohol-free Event

This piece, by Gerald Harper '10, was personally selected by President Tilghman for display on her refrigerator A social experiment organized by Princeton’s administration and the USG, which was held Saturday evening in the Chancellor Green library, was a smashing success, students and administrators...
November 11th, 2009 | Princeton | Read More

Future Of Princeton Football Uncertain After DeVry Loss

Following an 85-0 loss to the DeVry University “Fightin’ Stenographers,” the termination of Princeton University’s football program is being discussed as a budget-cutting measure, according to University president Shirley Tilghman. “It really seems like the logical next step for the program....
October 18th, 2009 | Princeton | Read More

Montanan Speaks Out Against Shirley Tilghman

Shirls is all like, awkward. And Hannah is all like, singing. Breaking news: Almost three weeks after Princeton President Shirley Tilghman announced that Montana was the only unrepresented state in the Princeton Class of 2013, a Montanan member of the Class of 2013 spoke out. Wishing to be identified...
October 6th, 2009 | Princeton | Read More

U-Store Announces Expansion

50% off all items this week only! White polos for only your first born son! In the face of the current economic crisis, the Princeton University Store has recently announced a diversification of products sold at its stores on Nassau Street and University Place. “Because of declining sales due to...
September 25th, 2009 | Princeton | Read More

Notes on Diversity: An Open Letter to President Tilghman

Dear President Tilghman, I was recently speaking with a prospective student about the process of applying to college, and I wanted to share with you a concern that came up during our discussion.  After a number of questions about academics and college life, this student asked me if Princeton was a diverse...
September 18th, 2009 | Princeton | Read More