Archive for the ‘Princeton’ Category

USG Eating Clubs Task Force Recommends Replacing “Bo Po” with “Bro Po”

In a recent study of issues surrounding the university’s eating clubs, a Task Force headed by members of the student body has recommended that the Princeton Borough Police, or “Bo Po”, should be replaced with a so-called “Bro Po” as the first responders to medical emergencies and other problems...
May 13th, 2010 | Princeton | Read More

Statistics You Didn’t Want To Know About This Year’s Senior Thesis Season

It’s that time of year again, folks, when our greasy, crusty, God-forsaken friends of yesteryear finally resurface from the library and breathe air that’s not carbon monoxide exhaled from 300 year old decaying books. Yes, that’s right, Seniors, you are done with your theses. So in honor...
May 8th, 2010 | Princeton | Read More

University Trustees to Implement Pay Deflation for Faculty

The success of Princeton University’s grade deflation has prompted the University’s Board of Trustees to implement a similar policy in order to curb rising faculty and administrator salaries, under which only the top 35% of faculty and administrators will receive their paychecks at the end...
May 4th, 2010 | Princeton | Read More

Greeks Depart Princeton, Leave Giant Horse In Front Of Nassau Hall

After many years battling the administration for official recognition, it appears Princeton’s Greeks have finally given up in the face of negative press in the Daily Princetonian.  This morning all fraternities and sororities were found to have departed Princeton, leaving behind only a massive...
April 30th, 2010 | Princeton | Read More

Princeton Hipsters Far More Committed Than Once Thought

In an ironic twist, the latest eating club task force has found 100% of Tiger Inn’s newest members to be hipsters. As President Shirley Tilghman reports, “All the signs are there. Everything is done with a sense of irony. After all, you have to have a certain je ne sais quoi to go to a school like...
April 16th, 2010 | Princeton | Read More

Library Bag-checker Foils Heist Years in the Making

PRINCETON, NJ – At approximately 3:30pm last Wednesday, Princeton University junior Darren Matthews exited Firestone Library with a copy of Statistical Records: Census Results of Bolivia Vol.12 hidden in his backpack. Firestone library employee and on-duty bag-checker Theodore Scahill performed...
April 11th, 2010 | Princeton | Read More

Where Did The Wu/Wilcox Mugs Go?

The Wu/Wilcox dining halls reportedly started off the year with 1300 mugs and now have only 64 remaining.  So what happened to the other 1236 mugs?  By our accounting: 65 were used as accent pieces for “dirty hipster” theme night costumes 81 were packaged in crates and sold to Iran as “nuclear...
April 5th, 2010 | Princeton | Read More

Shakespeare Troupe Disbanded for Discrimination

PRINCETON – In accordance with University equal opportunity regulations, Dean of Undergraduate Students Kathleen Deignan has temporarily suspended the Princeton “Swordfight-by-Night” Shakespeare troupe that until now has practiced in the New Butler amphitheatre and pissed the living shit out of...
April 1st, 2010 | Princeton | Read More

The Tribe Files for Tax-Exempt Status

PRINCETON, NJ — An exclusive group of freshman girls who call themselves “The Tribe” filed a lawsuit this week against the federal government, demanding that the group be exempted from all sales taxes — in particular those levied during frequent spiritual journeys to J. Crew. The leader...
February 23rd, 2010 | Princeton | Read More

Princeton Volunteers Dispense Hot Breakfasts to Deprived Harvard Students

The Harvard administration eliminated hot breakfasts for Harvard students due to budget cuts, and the situation was desperate. These kids needed an angel… and they got several. On Friday, November 6, The Princeton Tiger led a humanitarian aid mission to bring hot breakfast– oatmeal– to Harvard...
February 12th, 2010 | Princeton, Video | Read More