Furious Tilghman Unleashes Full Brunt of Weather Machine
Princeton University President Shirley Tilghman, angered for unexplained reasons, has been using her personal weather machine to wreak havoc on the University campus.
Rules of Writing in a Creative Fiction Class
New South stands for tangible possibility, a concrete beacon of unkempt potential standing amidst the collegiate gothic plain of suburban New Jersey.
A Draft of the Class of 2017 Admissions Letter
Dear Admitted Student, Congratulations! You are coming to Princeton. It has been pre-ordained. Not by the stars (we control those) but by our media stranglehold. You’ll spend a few weeks pretending to juggle…
A Benedict XVI Presidency?
On Monday, His Holiness Benedict XVI announced his resignation from the papacy, shocking the world and igniting speculation that he may be in the running to replace outgoing Princeton University President Shirley Tilghman.
Winter Break Hibernation
Most Princeton students already meet the main physiological prerequisite for hibernation: massive intake of food, which is then stored in fat deposits in order to survive the winter. However, not many of us actually get the chance to hibernate.
Princeton Approves Orgy on Cannon Green
Less than a week after Harvard officially recognized Harvard College Munch, a student group devoted to kinky sex, the Ivy League’s kinky sex arms race escalated. Yesterday, Princeton University issued a press release encouraging the freshman class to participate in a class-wide orgy on Cannon Green.
Scalia Writes “Rights” on a Piece of Paper, Pisses on It
Associate Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia makes some controversial remarks at Princeton.
Writing Seminar in One Quiz
Basic Vocabulary, Ethics, and Linguistics Quiz Directions: Complete the following questions to the best of your ability. Multiple-choice problems have only one answer. Please clearly indicate your answer. Respond to open-ended questions in…
5 Car Ride Games for the Ivy Leaguer
If you are driving or riding home for Winter Break and want a fun activity to pass the time, but have outgrown the childish and non-elitist car-ride games of your youth, don’t fret!…
