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Scandal: Princeton Eating Clubs In Trouble After Sophomore Pickups Descend into Chemical Warfare

This year’s round of eating club pickups took a turn for the early 1900s as existing members escalated their usual hijinks to things more sinister. As many of you may have been told…

parade

In Recognition Of Woodrow Wilson’s Complex Legacy, U. Throws Raucous, Twelve-Day Parade In His Honor

In an effort to grapple with Woodrow Wilson’s complicated legacy and controversial presence on campus, the University today kicked off a raucous, twelve-day parade celebrating his accomplishments. “I realize that Woodrow Wilson’s connection…

pace

I’m All For Princeton Students Getting Outside The Orange Bubble As Long They Eventually Come Back To Campus To Die

          By Jane Rosenthal, Head of PACE Center On a campus as small and self-contained as Princeton’s, it’s easy for students to feel cut off from the outside world. With…

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Christopher Mintz-Plasse: Please Stop Using My Picture in Your Sexual Assault Awareness Videos 

              Hello, Princeton. I am Christopher Mintz-Plasse. You may recognize me from such films as “Kick-Ass,” “Superbad,” and “12 Years a Slave.” I love my work and…

Nassau Hall

Holy Shit, Two New Trees

              Holy mother of God, there are two brand new trees on campus. Right in front of Nassau Hall, smack-dab in the middle of a chunk of…

LabMouse

I’m Beginning to Think My Lab’s “Smasherator” Experiments are Unnecessarily Cruel to Lab Mice

Let me begin by saying that I’m not an animal rights activist or anything. As a Princeton student studying Molecular Biology, I have experimented on my share of live mice in the pursuit…

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Dale Grant Awardee: “I Will Journey to the Orient”

On Thursday afternoon, Marcello Romano was named this year’s recipient of the Dale Fellowship. Romano has stated his intention to use the $35,000 award to “journey to the Orient.” Said spokesperson Daniel Palomey,…

President-Elect  Chris Eisgruber

President Eisgruber Gains Sentience

University Urges Community To Remain Calm Princeton, NJ – A report released from the Office of the Provost earlier today confirmed that University President Christopher Eisgruber has gained sentience. Executive Director of Public Safety…

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My Journalistic Integrity Demands This Scathing Review of Dearest Malcolm’s Lackluster Performance in Rent: the Musical

On Friday night, Princeton’s premier student-run theater organization staged their interpretation of Rent: the Musical. The set design was inspired, the accompaniment moving, and the performances were, with one exception, heartfelt and stirring….

dictionary

The REAL Freshman Dictionary: 20 Terms Every Princeton Freshman Should Know

Alcohol Initiative /al-kuh-hawl ih-nish-ee-uh-tiv/ n. Take the initiative to consume more alcohol. Shots, bitch! Bicker /bik-er/ n. The time for all those debate team kids to shine. Eating clubs that use the bicker…

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