Politics

North Korea Develops “Taunt Offensive”

Documents detailing a top-secret North Korean military program intended to weaponize common insults were published yesterday by several leading news organizations, including The New York Times, The Times in London, and What the…

Rhode Island Votes to Move Off Coast of New York to Alleviate Confusion

Today, in a move that will merely fulfill the expectations of many, the Rhode Island State Senate voted to adopt a bill officially moving Rhode Island from its current place under Massachusetts to…

Snooki: The Reincarnation of Winston Churchill?

These wise, portly little figures have more in common than just a strong resemblance to the Cabbage Patch Kids. They are able to create profound statements out of effortlessly simple sentence structures. Masters…

Bhutan Acquires Thermonuclear Device; UN Scrambles To Find An Atlas

On Friday, King JigmeKhesarNamgyelWangchuck surprised the UN and the world when he revealed that the Kingdom of Bhutan has successfully assembled a fully operational long range thermonuclear device capable of striking the right…

Shyamalan to Direct Obama’s Presidency

In a move which seems calculated to alienate his already-shrinking fan base, President Barack Obama has hired director M. Night Shyamalan to replace Senior Advisor David Axelrod. “I just think my first term could really…

Groundbreaking Judicial Opinion: Congress “Pansies” On Don’t Ask Don’t Tell

In a landmark judicial opinion, several district judges yesterday proclaimed that “Judges rule, politicians drool.” District Judge Ronald Leighton, writing for the majority, went on to sharply critique the Congress, leveling the charge that “the whole bowing…

Dean Malkiel to Cap Supreme Court At 35% Princetonians

PRINCETON, NJ  Nancy Weiss Malkiel, Dean of the College at Princeton University, has expressed concern over Elena Kegan’s recent nomination to the Supreme Court.  “Miss Kagan is certainly a candidate of the highest…

French Aristocracy Stages Post-emptive Strike on Bourgeoisie

In what international commentators are describing as “petty,” “uncalled-for,” and “I don’t even… come on, man,” a remnant of French nobility staged an attack on what their spokesperson referred to as “the merchant class,” representing…

Panic, as Joe Biden Finds Chocolate in White House Kitchen

An alarm was raised in the White House yesterday when it was discovered that Vice President Joe Biden had ingested a large amount of baker’s chocolate which he had found while sniffing around the White House kitchen.

Probable Conversations Between High Ranking Government Officials On Contemporary Issues Of Importance

Man, everything is just awesome when you are the government.

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