Politics

Groundbreaking Judicial Opinion: Congress “Pansies” On Don’t Ask Don’t Tell

In a landmark judicial opinion, several district judges yesterday proclaimed that “Judges rule, politicians drool.” District Judge Ronald Leighton, writing for the majority, went on to sharply critique the Congress, leveling the charge that “the whole bowing…

Dean Malkiel to Cap Supreme Court At 35% Princetonians

PRINCETON, NJ  Nancy Weiss Malkiel, Dean of the College at Princeton University, has expressed concern over Elena Kegan’s recent nomination to the Supreme Court.  “Miss Kagan is certainly a candidate of the highest…

French Aristocracy Stages Post-emptive Strike on Bourgeoisie

In what international commentators are describing as “petty,” “uncalled-for,” and “I don’t even… come on, man,” a remnant of French nobility staged an attack on what their spokesperson referred to as “the merchant class,” representing…

Panic, as Joe Biden Finds Chocolate in White House Kitchen

An alarm was raised in the White House yesterday when it was discovered that Vice President Joe Biden had ingested a large amount of baker’s chocolate which he had found while sniffing around the White House kitchen.

Probable Conversations Between High Ranking Government Officials On Contemporary Issues Of Importance

Man, everything is just awesome when you are the government.

One Hundred Lies About Barack Obama

#55: While a state legislator, Barack Obama spearheaded a short-lived effort to make the Illinois state bird The Eagles.
#56: In his desk in the oval office, Barack Obama keeps a revolver with a single bullet, just in case.

Kanye West Hired by United Nations as Official Speech Timekeeper

Moon and other UN officials have decided that they would give Kanye West the responsibility of stopping world leaders when they simply fail to sit down.

Obama Wins Peace Prize

The 2009 Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded to Barack Obama for his “extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and” — wait, what?  Now don’t get me wrong, Obama seems all cool and…

“On the Origins of Congress by Means of Natural Selection”

A Congressman is a hardy organism able to survive sexual scandal, the laws of their fellow man, and torrents of constituent letters.

Swine Flu Threatens Bestiality Rights

Members of the administration as well as the health industry are cautioning the public against engaging in contact with pigs due to swine flu. Many Americans, however, are disturbed by where this might…

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