Politics

Hezbollah Lego League Under Fire

This is Darby Billington reporting from Hezbollah’s 3rd Annual Lego League Championship here in Beirut. And let me tell you John, outrage is afoot.

21 Questions with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Name: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Occupation: Goat-fucker Hometown: Aradan, Iran In one sentence, what do you actually do all day? Mostly, fucking goats, but when I’m not fucking goats I’m thinking about the next goat…

A Letter to Julian Assange

Dear Mr. Assange: I’m a 3rd grader from Buffalo, New York and I’m your biggest fan. Your website, Wikileaks, has published so many government secrets, it has made diplomatic relations like that scene…

Breaking News: Majority Of Americans To Be Relocated To ‘Reeducation’ Camps

President Obama announced this morning that, in the wake of the midterm elections, a staggering number of Americans—well over fifty percent—will be compelled to undergo a mandatory “Reeducation” program at internment camps across…

Court Decision Allowing Gay Asians To Serve Openly in the Military Sparks Controversy

Washington DC– Federal Judge Virginia Phillips has granted a worldwide, immediate injunction prohibiting the Department of Defense’s ban on openly gay soldiers, including Asians, from serving in the military. Lt. Daniel Choi, an…

North Korea Develops “Taunt Offensive”

Documents detailing a top-secret North Korean military program intended to weaponize common insults were published yesterday by several leading news organizations, including The New York Times, The Times in London, and What the…

Rhode Island Votes to Move Off Coast of New York to Alleviate Confusion

Today, in a move that will merely fulfill the expectations of many, the Rhode Island State Senate voted to adopt a bill officially moving Rhode Island from its current place under Massachusetts to…

Snooki: The Reincarnation of Winston Churchill?

These wise, portly little figures have more in common than just a strong resemblance to the Cabbage Patch Kids. They are able to create profound statements out of effortlessly simple sentence structures. Masters…

Bhutan Acquires Thermonuclear Device; UN Scrambles To Find An Atlas

On Friday, King JigmeKhesarNamgyelWangchuck surprised the UN and the world when he revealed that the Kingdom of Bhutan has successfully assembled a fully operational long range thermonuclear device capable of striking the right…

Shyamalan to Direct Obama’s Presidency

In a move which seems calculated to alienate his already-shrinking fan base, President Barack Obama has hired director M. Night Shyamalan to replace Senior Advisor David Axelrod. “I just think my first term could really…

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