US Government Institutes “Big Brother” Program

The Administration for Children and Families announced plans this week to implement a new nation-wide mentorship program for underprivileged youth starting in 2014. The program, dubbed “Big Brother” by the ACF, will provide companions to act as older siblings to “at-risk” children in low-income areas.

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President Issues Executive Order to Intervene in Syrian Studies Department

After more than two years of hesitation and inaction regarding the crisis in the Syrian Studies department, President Eisgruber announced at a press conference Tuesday morning the university’s decision to intervene due to “the objectionable behavior of the department head,” Bashar Assad.

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Obama and Iran’s President Speak by Phone, Begin Texting

Mere days after Friday’s momentous disclosure that the presidents of the United States and Iran had talked on the phone for the first time in decades, a giddy President Obama revealed to close friends today that he and his Iranian counterpart Hasan Rohani have begun texting.

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Gary Johnson Carries New Jersey As Democrats, Republicans Stay Home

Election watchers of all political stripes were stunned Tuesday night as long-shot Libertarian candidate Gary Johnson decisively carried New Jersey, winning 100 percent of the 73 votes cast throughout the state.

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Things Least Likely to be Said During the Presidential Debates

A lot of major points will be raised tonight. Here are exactly none of them.

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