Archive for the ‘Politics’ Category

Catastrophe at the White House: A Playful Tick Brings in the Bomb Squad

Catastrophe struck last night on National Cancer Appreciation Day when, what began as a lighthearted play-date for Malia and Sasha with a herd of cancer kids, turned into a misunderstanding that made Romeo’s suicide look like the awkwardness that ensues when one person tries to go for high-five and...
January 28th, 2011 | Politics | Read More

Breaking News: Obama Abdicates To Bill Clinton

In a jaw-dropping turn of events at yesterday’s State of the Union Address, President Barack Obama announced that he was resigning the presidency, effective immediately, and turning all presidential duties and responsibilities over to former President Bill Clinton. Reportedly no one, not even the...
January 26th, 2011 | Politics | Read More

Hezbollah Lego League Under Fire

The following transcript comes from a reputable nightly news source. News Anchor: Let’s go now to Lebanon where our reporter, Darby Billington, is on the scene of some breaking news. Darby? Darby Billington: Thanks, John. This is Darby Billington reporting from Hezbollah’s 3rd Annual Lego League...
January 14th, 2011 | Politics | Read More

21 Questions with Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

Name: Mahmoud Ahmadinejad Occupation: Goat-fucker Hometown: Aradan, Iran In one sentence, what do you actually do all day? Mostly, fucking goats, but when I’m not fucking goats I’m thinking about the next goat I’m going to fuck. I’m going to fuck it hard. Best place in Tehran? The rec room in...
December 10th, 2010 | Politics | Read More

A Letter to Julian Assange

Dear Mr. Assange: I’m a 3rd grader from Buffalo, New York and I’m your biggest fan. Your website, Wikileaks, has published so many government secrets, it has made diplomatic relations like that scene in Mean Girls where everyone found out about the burn book. To help support your cause,...
December 3rd, 2010 | Politics | Read More

Breaking News: Majority Of Americans To Be Relocated To ‘Reeducation’ Camps

President Obama announced this morning that, in the wake of the midterm elections, a staggering number of Americans—well over fifty percent—will be compelled to undergo a mandatory “Reeducation” program at internment camps across the country.  The president went on to explain that the impetus...
November 3rd, 2010 | Politics | Read More

Court Decision Allowing Gay Asians To Serve Openly in the Military Sparks Controversy

Washington DC– Federal Judge Virginia Phillips has granted a worldwide, immediate injunction prohibiting the Department of Defense’s ban on openly gay soldiers, including Asians, from serving in the military. Lt. Daniel Choi, an openly gay Asian man who had previously been honorably discharged...
October 22nd, 2010 | Politics | Read More

North Korea Develops “Taunt Offensive”

Documents detailing a top-secret North Korean military program intended to weaponize common insults were published yesterday by several leading news organizations, including The New York Times, The Times in London, and What the Buck. According to the reports, the program is preparing weapons of “taunt...
October 15th, 2010 | Politics | Read More

Rhode Island Votes to Move Off Coast of New York to Alleviate Confusion

Today, in a move that will merely fulfill the expectations of many, the Rhode Island State Senate voted to adopt a bill officially moving Rhode Island from its current place under Massachusetts to a new location just off the coast of New York. The bill’s originator, Senator Leonidas P. Raptakis, spoke...
October 12th, 2010 | Politics | Read More

Snooki: The Reincarnation of Winston Churchill?

These wise, portly little figures have more in common than just a strong resemblance to the Cabbage Patch Kids. They are able to create profound statements out of effortlessly simple sentence structures. Masters of repetition… Churchill: never give in, never give in, never; never; never; never… Snooki:...
October 6th, 2010 | Politics | Read More