What is Barack Obama Going to Do Now?

Try out bangs Demonstrate exercise equipment in late-night infomercials   Finally let out that fart he’s been holding in for eight years Take an 18-minute nap Force Sarah McLachlan into retirement and sing…


Americans Can’t Seem to Agree On Anything Other Than The Clear Superiority Of My Basketball Skills

In This Polarized Political Climate, Americans Can’t Seem to Agree On Anything Other Than The Clear Superiority Of My Basketball Skills Sometimes I worry about the direction this country is taking. Between this…


Deadlocked: With No Ninth Justice, The Supreme Court Has Been Unable to Cast The Government’s Upcoming Production of “Guys and Dolls”

Well, this isn’t good. Remember when Republicans in Congress refused to confirm President Obama’s nomination of Merrick Garland to the Supreme Court, leaving the recently deceased Justice Antonin Scalia’s seat vacant? Turns out…


A Note About Selfies from Hillary Clinton

Hello, citizens of Trump’s America. It is I, Hillary Clinton, the person you wish you had elected president. These past few weeks have been tough for all of us. Some of you are…


Electoral Dysfunction

  -MF ’19, Illustrated by KG ’19

The four podiums for Republican presidential candidates, from left, former Pennsylvania Sen. Rick Santorum; former Massachusetts Gov. Mitt Romney; former House Speaker Newt Gingrich; and Rep. Ron Paul, R-Texas, stand candidate-less, at the North Charleston Coliseum in Charleston, S.C., Thursday, Jan. 19, 2012, prior to Thursday's debate. (AP Photo/Charles Dharapak)

Third Party Candidates

For the first time, the majority of the current student body will be able to vote in the upcoming election cycle, and what a circus of an election cycle it’s been. With both nominees…

Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump are tightening their grips on the Democratic and Republican presidential nominations.

I Have Been Really Loving All The Politics Recently

Wow, this election season sure is crazy, huh? I don’t normally get that into politics, (it’s usually so dull and boring) but this presidential race has been the most exciting one I’ve seen…


Ted Cruz Fails Turing Test

After conducting several laboratory experiments and carefully analyzing sound bites from debates, speeches, and advertisements, a highly trained team of computer scientists at the University of Chicago concluded earlier this week that Republican…


A Beautiful Mind: A Ted Cruz Story

The year is 1988. A cramped double in 1937 Hall. Half of the room looks like pretty standard college dorm fare: there’s a Jimi Hendrix poster on the wall, a few textbooks strewn…

Grandiose Jury

Grand Jury Hung on Shoplifter’s Indictment, Grandiose Jury to Intervene

After a Rhode Island Grand Jury was unable to decide whether to indict Peter Hamiss, 22, on charges of shoplifting, the state called upon an oft forgotten contingency in the justice system: the Grandiose Jury. At 12:14 P.M.,…

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