Archive for the ‘Politics’ Category

Restrictions on Greek Life Devastate Greek Economy

Athens, Greece- Though countless Princetonians have complained about the University’s recent decision not to allow students to participate in Greek life until sophomore year, nowhere has the policy had a worse effect than here in Greece itself. Ever since the ban on freshman rush, Greece has suffered...

December 8th, 2011 | Politics, Princeton | Read More

Canada and Russia Join Forces to Spread Global Warming

MOSCOW – Canada and Russia, the two former Cold War enemies, have recently found that they have far more shared interests than conflicts. In a joint press conference in the Siberian city of Novosibirsk Monday evening, Russian president Dmitry Medvedev announced to an enthusiastic crowd of 8000,...

November 13th, 2011 | Politics | Read More

Zombie Outbreak Gives Much Needed Direction to Occupy Wall Street Protests

“Brains, braaaaiiiinnns,” says one newly focused protester A recent zombie outbreak in the heart of the New York financial sector has given a new purpose to the Wall Street protests. These protests, also known as “Occupy Wall Street”, have been previously marred by conflicting goals and ideals,...

October 23rd, 2011 | Politics | Read More

Breaking News: D.C. Earthquake Leaves Millions With Homes, Jobs

WASHINGTON D.C. – Millions of people have been left with homes and livelihoods after an earthquake that experts are calling the most mildly disconcerting disaster in decades. The event struck this afternoon at 1:50 pm, causing minute-long outages in cell phone networks as hundreds of thousands...

August 23rd, 2011 | Politics | Read More

The Last Hours of Osama’s Twitter Feed

-Staff

May 7th, 2011 | Politics | Read More

Things Found in Bin Laden’s Mansion

Your car keys DVD of Ankles of Tehran IV: These IslamaBad Girls Have BaghDaddy Issues The last horcrux Jimmy Hoffa’s body Tupac, who was also shot, but survived Seasons 2-5 of prophetic police procedural, ”The Funda-mentalist” The napkin I wrote my number on that I gave to that...

May 4th, 2011 | Politics | Read More

Gaddafi Rises to New Standard of Crazy

Secretary of State Hilary Clinton issued an official notice of thanks to embattled Libyan president Muammar Gaddafi today as part of a landmark new package called the Old World Doctrine. Mrs. Clinton extended the appreciation to the dictator for reminding the Western World what real crazy looks like. Mr....

April 12th, 2011 | Politics | Read More

Breaking News: Obama Attempts To Cover Up the Fact That He’s Transparent

In a shocking story from the White House, it appears that President Obama has been hiding a secret so scandalous that it is only now, over two years into his presidency, that it has finally come to light—Obama is, in fact, highly transparent and accountable. The administration has gone to such obsessive...

April 1st, 2011 | Politics | Read More

Republicans’ Pledge to America: Translation from Politicianese to Real-World English

The Democrats are evil and will devour your souls. The American people, meaning Republicans because only Republicans are real Americans, do not support a Democratic government. We Americans wrote this pledge to state this because we did not think it was clear enough. Obama and his cohorts are too powerful,...

February 21st, 2011 | Politics | Read More