Archive for the ‘Politics’ Category

French Aristocracy Stages Post-emptive Strike on Bourgeoisie

In what international commentators are describing as “petty,” “uncalled-for,” and “I don’t even… come on, man,” a remnant of French nobility staged an attack on what their spokesperson referred to as “the merchant class,” representing the first such act of aggression in over two...
January 7th, 2010 | Politics | Read More

Panic, as Joe Biden Finds Chocolate in White House Kitchen

An alarm was raised in the White House yesterday when it was discovered that Vice President Joe Biden had ingested a large amount of baker’s chocolate which he had found while sniffing around the White House kitchen. Though Biden was in a perilous state of health immediately after consuming the...
December 1st, 2009 | Politics | Read More

Probable Conversations Between High Ranking Government Officials On Contemporary Issues Of Importance

Pot H.R.G.O. 1: Aaaargh, I hate marijuana so much! H.R.G.O. 2: I hate it, too! I hate it more than almost anything! H.R.G.O. 1: I hate it almost as much as I hate teenagers! I hate them and their rock and roll music and sexy denim clothing and alcohol parties! H.R.G.O. 2: I am just livid with hate...
October 30th, 2009 | Politics | Read More

One Hundred Lies About Barack Obama

1. Barack Obama’s signature drink is the 7&7&7 (ice, Seagram 7, 7-Up, a seven dollar bill) 2. Though not a secret Muslim, Barack Obama is, in fact, a secret Sikh, which is significantly harder to keep secret. 3. Barack Obama will only agree to enter a stadium or sports arena if his entrance...
October 20th, 2009 | Politics | Read More

Kanye West Hired by United Nations as Official Speech Timekeeper

Recently, after Libyan leader Muammar al-Gaddafi effectively turned his 15-minute speech at the latest United Nations conference into an hour-and-thirty-six-minute observational comedy stand-up routine, the United Nations has decided that circumlocution will no longer be tolerated. According to Ban...
October 15th, 2009 | Politics | Read More

Obama Wins Peace Prize

The 2009 Nobel Peace Prize has been awarded to Barack Obama for his “extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and” — wait, what?  Now don’t get me wrong, Obama seems all cool and stuff, but honestly, the man has been president for 8 months.  Even if he cured...
October 9th, 2009 | Politics | Read More

“On the Origins of Congress by Means of Natural Selection”

Since the founding of our country, the Congressman has undergone evolution through the process of natural selection. There are, however, some commonalities that each species along the evolution of the Congressman shares: A Congressman is a hardy organism able to survive sexual scandal, the laws of their...
October 4th, 2009 | Politics | Read More

Swine Flu Threatens Bestiality Rights

Members of the administration as well as the health industry are cautioning the public against engaging in contact with pigs due to swine flu. Many Americans, however, are disturbed by where this might be going. Cletus Tatum, director of the Man Animal Love Institute (MALI) expresses his concerns: “What...
September 25th, 2009 | Health, Politics | Read More

FEMA’s New Children’s Stories

Last year, FEMA pulled their children’s coloring book about 9/11 from their website after a public outcry drew attention to the publication.  (Seriously.  We wish we were making this up.  On the plus side, potty training is easy when you have the crap scared out of you.)  So we wondered: what...
September 24th, 2009 | Politics | Read More

Israeli-Palestinian Conflict Solved

The Israeli-Palestinian conflict, a searing clash that has ripped the Middle East apart, cost countless lives and commanded the attention of the entire world… has been all sorted out. Six months ago, a poorly educated but eternally wise shepherd named Poses ended the conflict, MacGyver style, using...
January 25th, 2009 | Politics | Read More