Politics
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Ted Cruz Fails Turing Test

After conducting several laboratory experiments and carefully analyzing sound bites from debates, speeches, and advertisements, a highly trained team of computer scientists at the University of Chicago concluded earlier this week that Republican…

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A Beautiful Mind: A Ted Cruz Story

The year is 1988. A cramped double in 1937 Hall. Half of the room looks like pretty standard college dorm fare: there’s a Jimi Hendrix poster on the wall, a few textbooks strewn…

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Grand Jury Hung on Shoplifter’s Indictment, Grandiose Jury to Intervene

After a Rhode Island Grand Jury was unable to decide whether to indict Peter Hamiss, 22, on charges of shoplifting, the state called upon an oft forgotten contingency in the justice system: the Grandiose Jury. At 12:14 P.M.,…

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Illuminati Application Tips

So you’ve graduated from an elite university, been part of a few secret societies, burnt a few rival mascots in effigy, and you’re wondering: what’s next? Well, you just might be qualified to…

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Yet Another Donald Trump Quiz!

You’ve seen them all. “Quiz: Did Donald Trump say this Outrageous quote or no?” (Washington Post) “Trump or Colbert” (US Magazine) “Who said it: Donald Trump or Lucille Bluth?” (Buzzfeed) Well, put your…

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Republican Candidates Propose New Birth Control Bill

Although the seventeen Republican candidates currently running for President cannot even agree to all be Republicans, the GOP’ers are unanimous on one issue: abortion. Every candidate running claims to be pro-life, some even…

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Robert George Has Fucking Crazy Newman’s Day

Shortly after waking up in a garbage can behind Frist Food Gallery on Saturday night, Robert P. George, the McCormick Professor of Jurisprudence at Princeton University, proudly announced to Tiger reporters that he…

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University Affirms It’s In Favor of the Rest of the Constitution, Too

After issuing a vague statement passionately insisting that they support the First Amendment, which, presumably, they already did, Princeton’s faculty announced Friday that they also supported the main body of the Constitution, as well…

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What Does “Bike Reform” Actually Mean?

The campus debate on bike reform has reached a fever pitch, but one question remains: what is bike reform?

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Hero’s Journey: My Road to Greatness

Midterm elections were last week, and as every one knows, the greatest politicians are forged in in the trials of college student governments. Here’s a look back at one particularly ambitious freshman’s campaign speech.

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