Scandal: Princeton Eating Clubs In Trouble After Sophomore Pickups Descend into Chemical Warfare

This year’s round of eating club pickups took a turn for the early 1900s as existing members escalated their usual hijinks to things more sinister. As many of you may have been told…


In Recognition Of Woodrow Wilson’s Complex Legacy, U. Throws Raucous, Twelve-Day Parade In His Honor

In an effort to grapple with Woodrow Wilson’s complicated legacy and controversial presence on campus, the University today kicked off a raucous, twelve-day parade celebrating his accomplishments. “I realize that Woodrow Wilson’s connection…

Ellen Ochoa, director of flight crew operations, NASA Johnson Space Center, Houston (left), Shana Dale, NASA deputy administrator, NASA Headquarters, Washington and Dr. Richard S. Williams, chief health and medical officer (center), NASA Headquarters answer questions during a news conference to discuss the findings of two reviews regarding astronaut medical and behavioral health assessments, Friday, July 27, 2007, at NASA Headquarters in Washington. Photo Credit: "NASA/Bill Ingalls

Aliens Are Here and They’re Completely Unfuckable

WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a press release yesterday, NASA announced that the big day is finally here: intelligent, friendly extraterrestrial life forms are about to land on Earth. However, the exciting news was quickly spoiled…

Nassau Hall

Holy Shit, Two New Trees

              Holy mother of God, there are two brand new trees on campus. Right in front of Nassau Hall, smack-dab in the middle of a chunk of…


Dale Grant Awardee: “I Will Journey to the Orient”

On Thursday afternoon, Marcello Romano was named this year’s recipient of the Dale Fellowship. Romano has stated his intention to use the $35,000 award to “journey to the Orient.” Said spokesperson Daniel Palomey,…


Elon Musk: I Will Fly a Man Into the Sun

  The Sun. Ra. Helios. For millennia, humans have looked up at their own yellow star, marveled at its brilliance, felt its heat on their faces, and dreamed of someday flying a man…

President-Elect  Chris Eisgruber

President Eisgruber Gains Sentience

University Urges Community To Remain Calm Princeton, NJ – A report released from the Office of the Provost earlier today confirmed that University President Christopher Eisgruber has gained sentience. Executive Director of Public Safety…


My Journalistic Integrity Demands This Scathing Review of Dearest Malcolm’s Lackluster Performance in Rent: the Musical

On Friday night, Princeton’s premier student-run theater organization staged their interpretation of Rent: the Musical. The set design was inspired, the accompaniment moving, and the performances were, with one exception, heartfelt and stirring….


Ruthless American Grilling Tyrant Overthrown in Bloodless Family Coup

With football tailgate season well underway, sources claim that local uncle Gary Bendenberg has been deposed from his self-proclaimed position of “King of the Grill” in a bloodless coup. Bendenberg, known only as…


ISIS Claims Responsibility For La La Land

On Friday afternoon, terrorist group ISIS claimed responsibility for the box office sensation and Oscar hopeful, La La Land. The Islamic State released a video that clearly depicts five members of the organization holding…

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