Timeline of Forgetting Her Name

1 minute Wait, she just said it a minute ago. It started with an… S? No, that’s Shakira. I’m thinking of Shakira. 10 minutes Uh oh, we’ve been talking too long for me…

Direct Intercourse With Dick Inman

Dear Dick, My boyfriend is great. We’ve been seeing each other for 2 years now. He’s sweet, thoughtful, and funny, not to mention being fairly “well equipped” downstairs. He takes me out on…

Valentine’s Day Gift Guide

What Your Girlfriend Wants 50 Shades of Black: the more hardcore sequel to 50 Shades of Gray. “Have you running more recently? You look thin.” For you to admit that she’s right in…

Love Is…

Love is a Battlefield episode, specifically “Scandinavia: The Forgotten Front,” that you watched in precept with her. Love is not having to say “you’re sorry” because she kept the pencil you lent her. Love…

Rose_Pickup Lines

Real Pickup Lines

Want to cleave her loins, but worry she’s on the lookout for canned phrases that might give away your singleminded pursuit of her Virtue? Read ahead! Because right now, for a limited time…

How To Be Sex Positive

Throwing an event? Put out a condom bowl, or put condoms in gift bags! Put condoms in the food and drinks. Place a hex on your guests so condoms spill out of their…


Manti Te’o’s REVISED Tips For A Lasting Relationship With The Girl Of Your Dreams

1. Branch Out Don’t limit yourself to meeting people in real physical locations, or even on internet dating sites. Open your search to ALL websites—anyone with a social networking account is fair game….


Five Things I Loved About Lincoln

Honest, Abe.


5 Car Ride Games for the Ivy Leaguer

If you are driving or riding home for Winter Break and want a fun activity to pass the time, but have outgrown the childish and non-elitist car-ride games of your youth, don’t fret!…


An Open Letter to the Squirrel On Elm Drive (You Know Who You Are)

Dear Squirrel, you probably don’t remember me, considering that you were too busy being a dick. I tried to get by you on the street, but no. You were too busy turning an acorn around in your weird little skeletal paws. Not even eating it or intending to bury it. Just spinning it.

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