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How 2 Get Laid

Listen. Do you hear that? That’s the sound of a thousand lonely women. That’s the sound of failure. Fortunately, I’m here to turn that frown sound upside down. After pussy-hounding for all thirteen…

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Trojans And Their Condoms

After six years of digging, I’m starting to suspect the ancient Trojans never actually used condoms. Maybe it’s funny to these corporation fat cats to throw around connections like “condoms” and “Troy” that…

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The Surrealist’s Guide to Giving the Perfect Blowjob

A trip and a blowjob. All in one.

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Timeline of Forgetting Her Name

1 minute Wait, she just said it a minute ago. It started with an… S? No, that’s Shakira. I’m thinking of Shakira. 10 minutes Uh oh, we’ve been talking too long for me…

Direct Intercourse With Dick Inman

Dear Dick, My boyfriend is great. We’ve been seeing each other for 2 years now. He’s sweet, thoughtful, and funny, not to mention being fairly “well equipped” downstairs. He takes me out on…

Valentine’s Day Gift Guide

What Your Girlfriend Wants 50 Shades of Black: the more hardcore sequel to 50 Shades of Gray. “Have you running more recently? You look thin.” For you to admit that she’s right in…

Love Is…

Love is a Battlefield episode, specifically “Scandinavia: The Forgotten Front,” that you watched in precept with her. Love is not having to say “you’re sorry” because she kept the pencil you lent her. Love…

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Real Pickup Lines

Want to cleave her loins, but worry she’s on the lookout for canned phrases that might give away your singleminded pursuit of her Virtue? Read ahead! Because right now, for a limited time…

How To Be Sex Positive

Throwing an event? Put out a condom bowl, or put condoms in gift bags! Put condoms in the food and drinks. Place a hex on your guests so condoms spill out of their…

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Manti Te’o’s REVISED Tips For A Lasting Relationship With The Girl Of Your Dreams

1. Branch Out Don’t limit yourself to meeting people in real physical locations, or even on internet dating sites. Open your search to ALL websites—anyone with a social networking account is fair game….

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