Guilty Pleasures of an Adult Heterosexual Male
Peeing in the kiddie size urinal Let’s be real, we all do it when nobody’s looking… Scented Candles They make my room smell fruity and delicious. Garnier Fructis It makes my hair smell…
An Ode to Arbor Day
In honor of Arbor Day (the last Friday in April for those of you who live under a rock), I recently googled “why trees are awesome.” I didn’t find anything explicitly explaining…
TZ Horton’s Terminological Repertoire
Fecund – adj. rich or fertile. Sometimes used in relation to intellectual facilities. Suggested usage: “Are you out of your FECUND mind?!” Pulveratricious – adj. dust-colored; dusty. An excellent idea for punning off…
New Education Bill Bans Anything Bad from Happening to Children
Saying it is in “the best interests of the future leaders and innovators of this country”, the House of Representatives today passed the Child Misery Abolition Act, a law which makes illegal any…
English Language to Recall “Literally”
After an unfortunate malfunction in a Manhattan home, the English language has decided to recall the word “literally.” When 17-year-old Madison Blitzberry used the word “literally” to describe getting over 18,000,000 in Temple…
Civil War Death Toll Continues to Rise
The ongoing death toll of the American Civil War continues to rise. Last week, the New York Times reported the death count was up to 750,000, and after a skirmish along the…
Scandal of the Century on The Biggest Loser
After 7 seasons of winning the hearts of millions of Americans with its life-changing success stories of helping morbidly obese Americans lose weight until they’re only morosely obese, the hit reality show The…
What Is Best In Life?
Bill Murray riding Bruce Willis down a sand dune on Mars bro carrying a handful of police badges drenched in Ovaltine in his right hand and in his left carrying the American flag…
Sleeping Positions: A Clinical Study
An intensive study performed through Dean’s Date and finals period has culminated in the following psychological profile of the habits of Homo Sapiens Princetoniae with regards to general resting and slumber-related behavior. …
Marginally Computer Literate 17 Year Olds Heralded as Technology Savants by Mothers
Today, the tech sphere was ablaze with the celebration as every American 13 to 25 year old was honored as techno-sages before a congregation of his mothers’ friends, family and peers. Exalting…
