Archive for the ‘Life’ Category

Reinterpreting Antiquity

Let’s be honest: Who hasn’t walked through a museum at some point in their life and thought to themselves that archaeologists are full of baloney? I certainly have. For instance, when I was visiting the Istanbul Archaeology Museum this summer, I found some examples of artifacts that the...
October 1st, 2011 | Life | Read More

God Checks Into Rehab For Gambling Addiction

Elysium, SPIRIT WORLD—Professional personal deity God has checked Himself into a rehabilitation centre in the Elysian Fields, citing gaming problems and schizophrenia. The aleph-null-year-old Creator, also known as Yahweh, first acknowledged His incessant habit of playing dice last century. All-powerful...
September 22nd, 2011 | Life | Read More

Milk Speaks Out Against Oreo: “Not My Favorite Cookie,” She Says.

In a shocking revelation, yesterday afternoon Milk finally decided to go public about her true feelings towards Oreo. [1] It turns out that Milk and Oreos don’t mix as well as previously thought. “Oreo isn’t even close to my favorite cookie,” said Milk to the Princeton Tiger in an exclusive...
September 21st, 2011 | Life | Read More

A recipe for chocolate cake!

Here’s a chocolate cake so rich you’ll think it’s John D Rockefeller! It’s so dark you’ll think owning it is illegal (post 1863)!  Ingredients: 2 cups sugar 1 cup all-purpose flour 2 teaspoons vanilla extract 1 teaspoon of salt 18 small eggs the milk of a baby goat 1/2...
September 19th, 2011 | Life | Read More

Horoscopes

Aries It’s not easy being green, but after your organic chemistry precept this week you might just have to get used to it. Taurus When you find yourself in a situation so insane that not even the stars could have predicted it, don’t say you weren’t warned. That’s just being redundant. Gemini The...
September 9th, 2011 | Horoscopes | Read More

New SAT Subject Test to Test Knowledge of SAT Testing

The College Board has announced that, starting this year, a new SAT Subject Test will be offered for students across the United States: The SAT Subject Test in SAT Tests. Feelix Peely of the College Board’s Ministry of Compassion explained in a statement, “Kids don’t need to be able to understand...
August 30th, 2011 | Life | Read More

Lesser Known Martial Arts

Sober Master Style: Drunken Master Style’s straight-laced sister school. Mixed Martial Arts and Crafts: The fusion of paper mache and bone-crushing elbow strikes. The Art of Fighting Without Fighting: Avoiding conflict through nostalgic viewings of Enter the Dragon. Masochistic Crane: Scaring off...
May 1st, 2011 | Life | Read More

Ten Ways to Get Revenge this Passover

Every year, for a week during the holiday of Passover, we Jews refrain from eating leavened bread in order to commemorate our people’s freedom from the Egyptians. If you think about it, this is total bullshit. Why are we punishing ourselves, instead of the Egyptians? Here’s what we Jews should be...
April 21st, 2011 | Life | Read More

Things That Anger Me

Mealy apples. You expect the first bite to be a sweet and crunchy orgasm, but instead someone shit in your mouth. The smelly kind with corn in it. My laptop battery. I’d like a battery that allows me to watch at least two seasons of Larry the Cable Guy per charge. Quirky frog umbrellas. They’re...
March 9th, 2011 | Life | Read More

You’re Doing Facebook Wrong

Sometimes, when I like a Facebook photo fifteen seconds after it’s been posted, I’ll get a comment like, “Of course it doesn’t take you more than 30 seconds to see that I changed my profile picture, Abby.” Other times, when I bring up a friend’s wall post in everyday conversation, I’ll...
February 15th, 2011 | Opinion | Read More