Real Pickup Lines
Want to cleave her loins, but worry she’s on the lookout for canned phrases that might give away your singleminded pursuit of her Virtue? Read ahead! Because right now, for a limited time…
How To Be Sex Positive
Throwing an event? Put out a condom bowl, or put condoms in gift bags! Put condoms in the food and drinks. Place a hex on your guests so condoms spill out of their…
Manti Te’o’s REVISED Tips For A Lasting Relationship With The Girl Of Your Dreams
1. Branch Out Don’t limit yourself to meeting people in real physical locations, or even on internet dating sites. Open your search to ALL websites—anyone with a social networking account is fair game….
5 Car Ride Games for the Ivy Leaguer
If you are driving or riding home for Winter Break and want a fun activity to pass the time, but have outgrown the childish and non-elitist car-ride games of your youth, don’t fret!…
An Open Letter to the Squirrel On Elm Drive (You Know Who You Are)
Dear Squirrel, you probably don’t remember me, considering that you were too busy being a dick. I tried to get by you on the street, but no. You were too busy turning an acorn around in your weird little skeletal paws. Not even eating it or intending to bury it. Just spinning it.
Once Upon A Monday
Mondays are band-aids that take 24 hours to rip off; weekly plagues sent from above to ensure people never have fun for more than six days in a row, unless you’re on vacation, in which case, karma will get you eventually. But if the human race collectively hates Mondays with such passion, why keep them around?
Straight Men Won’t Marry Their Girlfriends: Girlfriends Respond
Dirty-looking white guy standing over a grill? We’re talking to you. Your mix of flannel and apron is neither aesthetically pleasing nor oozing sex appeal. And let’s face it, you’re probably going to burn the shit out of those steaks and end up ordering Domino’s anyway.
Scientists Eradicate Cancer: World Better Off
Big news shook the heavens yesterday as the Universal Regulation and Astronomical Science Society (URASS) decided to remove Cancer from the zodiac. URASS announced the act in response to the tragic alienation of one 16-year-old Madison Blitzberry, who, in the midst of a slumber party horoscope reading, stated that she was a Cancer.
