Archive for the ‘Opinion’ Category

Modern Applications of Dueling

Marriage. Voting. Worship. Many pundits praise these institutions as the foundations of our society, the traditional moral pillars that keep us from degeneration. Yet for over a century one key practice has been conspicuously absent from this list: dueling. Dueling once played the noble role of allowing...
May 8th, 2010 | Opinion | Read More

Ways My Beard Makes Me Seem Thoughtful and Worldly

Sometimes I’ll soak my mustache in scotch before going out to a social event. Then, during conversation, I’ll suck on it and then make some pronouncement like, “This ten-year single-malt has an excellent bouquet.” Since nobody else wants to suck on my mustache, nobody can tell me that...
April 16th, 2010 | Opinion | Read More

Discrimination By (Lack of) Sex

Affirmative action is a contentious policy. Of late, women and African Americans such as Hillary Clinton, Sarah Palin, and Barack Obama have modeled visible progress, so proponents of affirmative action have reason to be ecstatic. Yet as discrimination in the workforce becomes less and less acceptable,...
February 16th, 2010 | Opinion | Read More

Burqas: A Scientific Defense

Burqas: A Scientific Defense A fundamental principle of modern sociological thought is the legendary syllogism that states that mo’ money yields mo’ bitches yields mo’ problems, or the “Gangsta’s Chain.” An oft-neglected corollary to the Chain derives from the postulate that it is to the...
December 3rd, 2009 | Opinion | Read More

To Life! and, er… Death!

My grandmother died recently and her funeral was very nice. Except for the iridescent pink coffin. Otherwise it was very touching. The singing was nice, sort of a barber-shop quartet done acappella. I was sufficiently disturbed by the pink coffin, however, to recognize that I should leave instructions...
November 25th, 2007 | Opinion | Read More

How To Get A Girl

10.) Touch her subtly. Making contact lets her know that you are interested. Too much contact lets her know you’re a pervert. Because you are, in fact, a pervert. 9.) Laugh. Smile. Make sure she knows you are having a good time. Talk to that random guy by the wall. You don’t actually know...
April 15th, 2007 | Opinion | Read More

Walk for the Cure

Someone knocked on my door the other day, and asked me if I would give them money to inspire their walking around in a circle.  Understandably, I told him to fellatiate a goat.  Why should I pay him money when he just walked all the way here for free? Don’t get me wrong; I hate cancer.  But...
March 10th, 2004 | Opinion | Read More