Archive for the ‘Opinion’ Category

You’re Doing Facebook Wrong

Sometimes, when I like a Facebook photo fifteen seconds after it’s been posted, I’ll get a comment like, “Of course it doesn’t take you more than 30 seconds to see that I changed my profile picture, Abby.” Other times, when I bring up a friend’s wall post in everyday conversation, I’ll...
February 15th, 2011 | Opinion | Read More

Come to a CULT Meeting

Feeling depressed? Looking for new meaning in life? Easily manipulated? Want to give us all your possessions learn about asceticism and perform slave labor for us join an awesome commune? You should totally come to a College Undergraduates Looking for Themselves (CULT) meeting. We have meetings everyday...
December 9th, 2010 | Opinion | Read More

Law Enforcement Turf Wars

Dear Large Law Enforcement Agency, As an employee of Small Law Enforcement Agency I am very upset by the arrival of your Large Law Enforcement Agency to my area on account of your intention to take over administration of an important case. I believe that my Small Law Enforcement Agency is adequately...
December 7th, 2010 | Opinion | Read More

Another Movie-to-book Release? Really?

So I just saw the latest Harry Potter movie, and loved it. But as soon as I left the theater and entered the nearest Wal-Mart to buy myself a Schwinn Meridian Adult Tricycle, what did I spy? A cheap direct movie-to-book knockoff. Where did this JK Attention Whore get the balls to release a corresponding...
November 29th, 2010 | Opinion | Read More

Frederick Douglass: Civil Rights Pioneer or Dangerous Pedophile?

When you learned about Frederick Douglass in your middle school history class, did you think there was something a little off about him? Well, you’re not alone. Consider the following: DNA evidence is often used to link perpetrators to their victims in modern sex crime investigations. Frederick...
November 17th, 2010 | Opinion | Read More

Why Meatballs Kept Me From Achieving My Dreams: Sympathizing with Christine O’Donnell

While much has been made of the Delaware senate race that Christine O’Donnell just ran in, much has been made of her basic inability to skillfully hex anybody — despite her best efforts to become a witch after being rejected from Hogwarts, Beauxbatons, and the Salem Witches’ institute in the late...
November 8th, 2010 | Opinion | Read More

Five Scenarios Where I Might Admit to Enjoying Taylor Swift’s New Album, “Speak Now”

Whilst Out on the Town - I am out at the club when I am approached by a cute girl.  We hit it off immediately based on our mutual enjoyment of horticulture, tort reform, and the Rodgers and Hammerstein musical Oklahoma!. I ask her if she wants to thumb wrestle, and she informs me that she only does...
November 7th, 2010 | Opinion | Read More

Thirst for Knowledge, Hunger for BRAAIIINS – My Unlife as a Zombie at College

When the zombie apocalypse began, the first thought that came to my mind was “Ugh… this sucks.” My second thought: “Hide your kids, hide your wife, and hide your husband ’cause they eating everyone’s brains up in here.” Third thought: “Well, at least I’ll get to go commando on...
October 24th, 2010 | Opinion | Read More

On Running A Country

There are many campus publications that give suggestions on how America or other countries should be run; they provide a much-needed voice for the Ivy League elitist constituency that is so often ignored in our government. (One wonders what a country we would have if only it were run by Ivy Leaguers!)...
September 18th, 2010 | Opinion | Read More

Ways My Beard Makes Me Seem Thoughtful and Worldly

Sometimes I’ll soak my mustache in scotch before going out to a social event. Then, during conversation, I’ll suck on it and then make some pronouncement like, “This ten-year single-malt has an excellent bouquet.” Since nobody else wants to suck on my mustache, nobody can tell me that...
September 15th, 2010 | Opinion | Read More